Week 2 is in the books and I’m so excited to talk about how great everyone did this week. My T-shirt sales and team are both tanking but you know what, that’s just the fantasy world. The Chargers are riding high as the number 1 team in the AFC’s best division and that’s reality baby. I could be a Raider, Lion, Dolphin, 49’er, Ram, or God forbid Cowboy Fan and be looking at an actual number in that loss column right now wondering where everything went wrong. Don’t worry Johnny Boy, my boys in Powder Blue are coming to take down that Steel Curtain this Sunday. To heck with this. GIVE ME THE RANKINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
12. The Visitors
Holy shit that was bad. This is actually a tie for 12, but I’m going to take this money shot right in the eye for reasons to be explained now and at 11. First of all, I accept the snake shit lowest of low rankings because this is possibly the lowest score I’ve ever seen for the greatest franchise in this leagues history without injury being the cause. But the great Robert “Rocky” Balboa said it best when he said “but it ain’t about how hard you hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!” and the Visitors intend to get back to their winning ways.
11. Charles’s IR Team
We tied for the toilet but the new name, the slurry of injuries bringing about that new name and the birthday L from Snowflake and your boys seemed like enough of a beating for the Chaz’s IR Team. Commish’s advice, make use of the IR roster spot and hit free agency in the morning like the fat kid we saved for the end of the piñata. But “Nothing is over! Nothing!”
10. EbarMedia
Man double whammy on you. You had to be like, “Are you shitting me? What the hell is that?” when not only did your Cowboys get their little silver blue pants wearing asses kicked but still somehow demolished you fantasywise in the process. Dak is laughing his overpaid ass all the way to the bank and running both your teams into the ground in the process. It’s going to be a long season for EbarMedia.
*Note this is the last thing that was saved before the browser crashed. I’m sure everything after this point was much better the first time I wrote it. If you asked DaVinci to paint another Mona Lisa it would be a stick figure, I’m certain of it.
9. Njigbas In Paris
“Hold on, Hold on, I got cha I got cha I got cha, You’re good. You’re, not, gonna, die” I am here to guide you through your first real Fantasy Football experience boy. That’s what your old man is here for. You don’t have to start offering your number 2 pick overall for a pack of gummi bears and a bottle of Yoo-hoo. Yes your fall from 2 to 9 is a shitting of the bed of epic proportions but it’s a long season and, honestly, you’re the one in this league the soonest removed from actually shitting his bed so it’s expected. Brightside is you still have a good squad and you make smart pickups and best of all, we’ll all be back to actually shitting our beds much sooner than you will Puppy.
8. Joe’s Victorious Team
“I should have put you down myself, personally” but my Visitors didn’t make the trip to “Victor”ville apparently. I wrote more last night but I don’t think I will on the remastering because I feel my words will go unread since your roster is going unmanaged. Oh well, thanks for your donation, I will write more next week roster updates or not, I’m just pissed about the browser crash, it was the video clips that did it. If you got this far at least click the links to the clips because they’re the reason I’m doing this twice. I can’t even be sure I’m using the right clips for the same team as I did last night. I was tired man.
7. Cuchillos y Gallos
Big mistake taking a Quarterback in the third round of the draft. What were you thinking? This week you have a very even matchup against a revamped EbarMedia team looking for redemption “I know you can win but even if you don’t so what? So you lose, but as long as you lose like a winner it doesn’t matter cause you did it with dignity.”
6. Ka’imi’s Kupp Runneth Over
KKRO was another team to start a player that was very likely not to see any playing time and still crushed his opponent. “I’m the (Commissioner) I’m supposed to know what’s going on, how do you think this looks?” But a win is a win and you won. You do have a week 3 match up against a team I’ve yet to list and won’t be listing for a while. This is definitely a good chance to climb these rankings…
5. Rams House
…Which is not what you did my boy. House slid down these rankings like a sweaty, naked, fat kid on a greased waterslide on Jupiter. But “what are you bitching about?” It’s only the record that’s hurting you. In this weeks losing effort you still would have beat 72% of the other teams, you just couldn’t beat the scheduling gods. Your squad is solid and I expect to see you rise like an enchanted cobra…
4. Marion Cobra Cobretti
You’re undefeated, but you’re the only undefeated team that has a team with a loss above you. You’re the most active trade initiator in the leage from what I hear and you’re the the quickest to decline a fair counter offer. You’re quick to offer a half eaten bologna sammich for Alvin Kamara and next years 1st round pick. So I guess what I’m saying is “you’re the disease, and I’m the cure.” Commissioner is imposing sanctions upon Marion Cobra Cobretti. Your league fees are no longer due by December 22nd, THEY WILL NOW BE DUE BY DECEMBER 15TH, SO IT SHALL BE!!!!!!!!!!!
3. The Mint
The Mint made it very clear that he would have taken out both The Visitors and EbarMedia combined this week. Good for you Minty. You dropped 151 on my darling baby boy, coincidentally the same amount for an overnight for your best talent plus tip. You got banged up in the process though. Deebo is doubtful, Jefferson is moving on up to barely walkthrough practice, Godwin ain’t no Godsent and you’re facing off against a redemption seeking Visitors club out for blood. You think you’ve already won but you know what? “I didn’t hear no bell.”
2. An American Tailback
Pretty impressive… That I got all the way to number 3 without using the same Stallione franchise, I couldn’t not use both of them. What’s not so impressive is after I give you a sympathy win, you go and stomp my brother in law on his birthday week after his team just got concussed into next Tuesday. “I believe there’s a vacancy” in the Asshole Hall of Fame for that kind of crap. Next week you get a faceoff with the always mysterious phantom team, Joe’s Victorious, we’ll see what’s in store for you there and if you can best them and take a shot at overtaking…
1. Kekambas
The Kekambas are number one? “Of course I knew, I just had no I idea” but seriously who could have thought it? Wait a second, he sabotaged the Commish’s draft with his login tomfoolery, I’m thinking he knew what he was doing the whole time. Honestly I look at this team and I’m trying to figure out where my spreadsheet formulas are going wrong but the math checks out. You’re number one for now, enjoy it, I don’t expect it to last. Matter of fact I expect this to be shorter than G-Baby’s lifespeck on the universe’s grand timeline.