GOD DAMN. Football sucks. No preamble. Straight to it.
12. The Visitors
Shattered my low score record set just last week. I also called my shot. Like the great George Herman “Babe” Ruth, I announced to 2 owners, I will lose this week. I will lose by no less than the difference in points between the Packers Defense (24.00) and the Patriots Defense (3.00) a 21.00 point swing. You see the plan was to switch them out as soon as the Packers became a free agent on Saturday. The flaw, Commish has too many kids (because he BHS) and completely forgot to bench the Patriots D on Thursday whilst attending one of those little angels games. Moral of the story, don’t have kids. Anyway, lost by 14.00. I know what I’m doing, I just have to do it.
11. Charles’s IR Team
My excuse is that I’m an idiot, at least your excuse is that your consesus first overall pick and his IRL team are a bunch of lying bastards. I’m glad the Niners are off to a terrible start just like us, they deserve it. I had a first pick in another league and I feel your pain. So let’s start with the good news since there’s not much. You started the absolute best roster possible, there were no extra points left on that very infirmed bench of yours. And then there is the bad news, your team is living up to its name adding Izzy Pacheco and Adam “Stealin’” Thielen to the IR this week and a possibility of my boy Keenan Allen “Wayans” joining them. I’m not counting you out, I’m just not counting you in either.
10. EbarMedia
You’re getting closer! You finally wizened up and put in Jameson Williams but apparently you are a pox on players IRL because he came away with only half a point for his first time not scoring double digits this season. Resident Lions fan Ka’imi’s Kupp Runneth Over asks that you never start him again or immediately trade him. So good news is you really got close this week. If you had production from Williams you would have won. Just like in life, you’re still winless but unlike life, you’re the best winless team. At least Charles and I have great kids…
9. Njigbas In Paris
…Or do I? This dude was talking about how he was going to cut through this league like OJ Simpson through the white meat on Thanksgiving. Saying cap like “just deposit everyone’s league fees into my cash app, it’s all going to end up there anyway” I don’t even know what a cash app is, I barely got on board with the Zelmo. The poor kid just wants to get a trade done, he finally gets someone to accept one of HIS trade offers and he’s immediately lambasted by half the league, inn particular someone he’s been trying to deal with all season long. There’s still plenty of season left for you my boy and good news is you have on of the league cupcakes matched up against you this week in EbarMedia. All you need to do is make the playoffs and then anything can happen. Maybe there will be a deposit into that cash app, probably not, if anything it will be actual cash money, I still don’t know which one is a cash app. Aren’t they all cash apps?
8. Ka’imi’s Kupp Runneth Over
I’ll be the first to admit that the Commish has some “creative” scoring, if you will… To be continued… So you lost to an undefeated team. You got bit by the ineptitude of the Cowboys but benefited by it as well so it’s hard to be mad right? Dak gets super garbage time, make a wish points because Baltimore didn’t have to play for pretty much an entire half and at the same time it caused your tight end to never even have to look at the ball let alone catch it. Dak was only out scored by one QB, one winning QB this week proving that it’s so much better to have a losing quarterback on your squad. So back to the creative scoring, your namesake Ka’imi Fairbairn got a whopping 2 points on a 7-34 loss. Commish decided that just the faith of having your kicker attempt a 50+ yarder gets you a point this year as well as a point every 69 yards of total distance in field goals. Makes things interesting. Anyway, that extra point is what made you squeak a total of 2.5 points from 3 players combined. I can’t even claim that and my team sucks actual ass!
7. The Mint
You are the luckiest team this week in fantasy. I left my win on the bench and in my decrepit mind. You’re also the unluckiest team IRL. At least you get to share that with Cobra Cobretti. You already know you’re lucky as hell to have gotten that win so let’s talk about the real news of the week. Damar Hamlin may have actually died on the field a scant 21 months ago but Andy Dalton’s career was supposed to have too. The only team sorry enough to revive it was of course your beloved Raiders, this weeks cover art is an homage to the greatness that is him, the Red Rifle is Reincarnated.
6. Cuchillos y Gallos
You weren’t the lowest scoring winning team (see above) but you were the lowest scoring legitimate winner. I still have my matchup under protest. Smart move drafting Josh Allen in the third round, Commish was hoping to do the same a few picks later, was going to be the first time I ever took a single digit round QB. Your squad performs right where it should, very little boom very little bust, 6 seems perfect, my math never lies. Should be jsut enough to get you in the playoffs where anything can happen.
5. Joe’s Victorious Team
This guy! Not this time JVT. But shit did you put up one hell of a fight. The phantom squad only left 7.5 point on the bench, it wasn’t going to be enough to win this week thanks to the fury of the scheduling gods. JVT would have beat all but 2 of the 11 other Jabroni’s in this beautiful league of ours. Unfortunately they were matched up with one of those 2. I always find myself in a wierd position when writing about JVT, I know they aren’t reading this so should I write on? But then I doubt anyone else reads this shit either so shoud I write anything for anyone anyways…? Ba Ba Booey!!!
3. TIE – Marion Cobra Cobretti and Kekambas
Hell of a drop for Kekambas, obviously this tie is 2 undefeated teams, we only have one more undefeated team which means there is blemished record above you two. ***Pause*** I just received a call from Kekambas owner looking for insider information on the results of the power rankings. Although Marion Cobra Cobretti owner himself questioned the Commissioners integrity no less than a week ago, there truly is no question about it. Like I told you Kekambas, I’m telling all of you, NO ONE gets a preview of the power rankings, not even owners under the same roof as the league websites servers. Let us continue*** Anyway MCC only likes trades if he’s involved we found out this past week, no sanction will be imposed. He had a strong enough showing to get the win over my baby boy Njigbas, but will he be able to pull it together to get the W against a Visitors club hell bent on revenge and clearing their good name? All the while the Kekambas squeaked past KKRO with a middling showing that dropped them from the number one spot last week. I think the goose egg from their RB is what made this a tie in the Commish’s math war room. You match up with Cuchillos y Gallos for the Commissioners 2024 Tostito’s Unpronounceable Bowl in week 4 which I’m giving early America’s game of the week honors. Expect Tom Brady on the media crew for this one.
2. Rams House
That was scary. I think Rams House is the reason Adam Thielen went on the IR. YOU DEMOLISHED Charles’s IR Team and would have massacred any other team this week with you 181.5. Your week 2 loss to your possible father Kekambas is the only thing keeping you out of the top spot my sweet nephew. Yes I’m trying to be nice to you, I’m buttering you up, because in week 7 I have the unfortunate undertaking of facing you and somehow none of your stallions are on bye week, so maybe if I’m nice to my favorite nephew in this league (Relax Ka’imi’s Kupp Runneth Over and Charles’s IR Team, first of all Nolan had his chance to get in the league too, and Charles, I covered myself with specifics to “in this league” I have no favorites), then maybe he’ll be nice to his favorite uncle (and I better God Damn be your favorite boy!) and he’ll pull a starter or 2, let me get my first tie by then maybe, by the way things are looking.
1. An American Tailback
I blame my week 1 sympathy gift to you for my teams demise. I let the world know I had a heart and I was exposed! None the less, welcome to your first glimpse from the top, or the bottom as it were to be. Tailback survived the cursed Phantom Team known only as Joe’s Victorious (honestly if you keep it up Joe’s Notorious Team would work). I think you and the Packers survived your Jordan Love injury, will there be a QB controversy for both prestigious organizations? Your bench is deep and you matchup with The Mint in week 4. You never know what you’re going to get from The Mint who has as many players with red letters by their names as Charles IR team and the Raiders defense which is like a complete team virus, I’m sure that will be a drop though. Tailback has what it takes to be the first team hold the number one spot, lets see what the week brings. Remember, trade veto voting period has been decreased to 1 day.