Another week is in the books. Another loss for your beloved Commish. A strong one though. Things are starting to look up. Think about it boys, even us winless teams are only 2 games out of a playoff spot with more than two thirds of the season to go. It’s not over. And if you think it is, remember you can trade for draft picks and it is a keeper league. It’s never too late to start thinking about your future. I do ask that if you trade for draft picks, you immediately commit ($$$50$$$) to next season. Let us begin…..
12. Charles’s IR Team
Dude, I thought you were actually going to do it this week. Even after Pitts put up a goose egg for you. I said to myself all Chaz needs is for DK and DH to be contained… Not stopped, just contained… And then Derek Henry The VIII (wonder of the world) took a steamer on your squad for almost half a century worth of points for the good ol’ Phantom Team. JVT sure knows how to autodraft. I’m sending you a trade offer right now. We’re both in the toilet, maybe we can trade some of our turds?
11. The Visitors
My elite QB has a perfect game 18 for 18 (see my cover art creation with the help of Cyberdyne Systems) but unfortunately it had to include my opponents receiver. The real unfortunate thing about me, as you all know, is my loyalty. You all know I’d take a fuckin’ bullet for you, yes even JVT even though I can no longer be sure they exist. It’s that loyalty that wouldn’t let me start a filthy cheatin’ Chiefs player against my beautiful boys in Powder Blue and Bolts. I started Xavier (I’m Not) Worthy every week, I will start him every other week until they meet again or the bye week comes. That loyalty lost me a match and I DON’T CARE. It’s what makes me better than the lot of ya’s. It’s what makes me The Commish.
10. Cuchillos y Gallos
Cock a doodle don’t look now. At 4 spots, this was our biggest fall in TCPR this week. Big mistake taking a QB in the third round of the draft. It’s just too damn early. Post draft free agents like My Brother Sam is Darnold and Justin Fields of Dreams would have been much better starts for Chuchillos. Hell, your QB eligible TE Taysom King of the Hill would have helped you break 50 points this week over that other guy, already forgot his name. You made the week 3 Visitors look like world beaters this week, thank for erasing me from the record books as the lowest scoring single week team.
9. EbarMedia
Look at this little winless team jumping above, not just a winning team but, a 2 win team. Ebar scores points, you got a decent jump in your breakdown score the last two weeks. You made my baby boy shake in his boots and skid mark his panties on Monday night after that 70 yard TD pass to Jameson Whisky Williams. He felt much better after his own Tony Pollar(oi)d (Former Cowboy) pretty much immediately followed it with a touchdown in the other game. You also have a little something called Bye Week Hell coming up in this weekend. 4 bye week players! That’s a lot! Who’s the lucky, good looking, son of a gun, father of the kid who whooped you this week, who get’s to benefit from this beautiful scheduling??? Awe hell let’s throw in a link…
8. The Mint
It’s not a Chuchillos fall but it’s getting there. Where once you were Minty fresh, you are now more like piece of double mint on the bottom of a desk just lucky to be hanging on for dear life. You have the mysterious JVT this week after losing to last weeks Top Bulldog. As a couple of us could tell you, that ain’t no guarantee. And who knows when/if he’s going to get a call from one of his homeboys in this league to let him know that somehow he’s got a decent chance of making the playoffs at this point. We’ll talk about him later. More on you. Your running back room is in shambles. You also took a QB in the 3rd round and he’s currently 16th in QB scoring. Only 13.5 points ahead of Jordan Can’t Buy Me Love who’s only played in 2 games. The Mint thought he was the Shit when he limped past The Visitors week 3 due to a managing error by the beloved Commish, boy you ain’t even the Fart.
6. TIE Joe’s Victorious Team & Ka’imi’s Kupp Runneth Over (Breakdown JVT=6 KKRO=8 YTD Points JVT=8 KKRO=7 Actual Record PP JVT=5 KKRO=4 19 Power Points each)
Let’s finish JVT first. Bye weeks are starting and the luck of the Irish may no longer get you past us creampuffs. You may need to pull aPukalypse Now even if he’s the Brain Piccolo, heart and soul, of your team (damn I’m good). But at the same time, don’t mess with a winning formula. Yahoo! doesn’t use my formulas for their rankings. If the regular fantasy season ended today, and I have it on good authority that it is not, you are in the show with the 5th seed.
KKRO, I said to my boy, “Boy, you think (The Talented) Calvin Ridley can get 5 points?”, boy replies. “He’s their number 1 receiver, he should, why?” That’s when I tell him his Uncle just needs a 5 spot, 40 yards on 2 or more catches, to pull the Monday night upset on Rams (Power)House. And then that’s when I saw something else… I saw Kenny The Sky Walker ON THE BENCH!!!!!!!!!! A little tip from the 0-4 Commish (who is 3-1 and 2-1-1 in 2 of his other leagues(we won’t talk about the league where Cuchillos y Gallos is Commissioner)) always use your flex spot for a Monday night player if you have one. Just in case you find out your stud running back is completely 100% healthy and taking back his lead duties, you’ll have that FLEXabilty to swap him out. I was sure of it, Njigbas was sure of it, Rams House and Calvin Ridley had other plans.
5. Njigbas In Paris
You were shaking. You already prepared yourself for defeat thanks to the negative 10 spot your defensive unit had handed you. But your lack of loyalty assured you a win as you had no problem starting Taylor Swift’s Boo thang against our beloved Bolts. I’ve taught you nothing. After you’re done reading this can you come up to my room and get the knife out of my back? You face off against the undefeated Kekambas this week who are a little banged up even though the roster is just showing Questionables, it will be interesting to see how this match goes, especially with the short week for his injured star running back. Your trade acquisition is finally getting healthy as well but your waiver pick up of Kareem Abdul JaHunt looks like he might be the real deal. Cuchillos had the biggest drop, Njigbas had the biggest gain. Keep going boy, but do it with dignity, show some God Damn respect for your real team.
4. Marion Cobra Cobretti
Boy have I been waiting for this. Ok so it may be hard to believe but your esteemed commissioner does have a civilian job. I’ve worked for the court system for closing in on 20 years soon. Since Njigbas was just a little Njigba. For about 6 of those years I worked in family law. That was the worst of it. Divorces, custody battles, proving and sometimes hoping to not prove you’re the parent. Occasionally there were adoptions those were happy days, tears of joy, but they were few and far between. Most of all though, it was divorces. I got to know a couple of the divorce attorney’s pretty well because I covered the attorney window for my employee’s on break. I asked them how they knew they did a good job, because to me it never seems like anyone is happy, there never seems like there’s a winner. They said “Exactly! That’s how you know the settlement is good when no one feels like they won” This is the same thing as a Fantasy Football trade. A good trade is when both parties feel like they’ve been taken to the cleaners. Marion Cobra Cobretti wants the house, the kids, the Lambo, the stocks, the bonds, the retirement accounts, shit, he want’s the rest of the ribeye you couldn’t finish from the fucking Outback Steakhouse the other night. And then you ask for one fair thing in return and he calls you a whore right in front of the judge. I’ve had enough of this abuse. I hope to God you play the number 1 team in the league this week. SOMEONE’S O HAS TO GO
3. Kekambas
What what? Still couldn’t jump the Rams House? I heard you say there was no respect for the Kekambas, well earn it baby. Kekambas would not have beat The House had they matched up this week so how could you expect to jump them? You played the weakest opponent possible, no knock on you there. And this week is going to be interesting for your banged up squad. Luckily you are unaffected by the first week of byes but injuries may limit your still undefeated squad. Baring a tie between Tailback & Cobra, a loss against surging Njigbas would leave just one undefeated team in our prestigious RBFFL. Do you have what it takes to keep the youngster at bay?
2. Rams House
You got lucky but sometimes that’s all it takes. Mark Andrews put up the same amount of points as Julie Andrews for the second week straight and you reaped all the benefits. But in doing so you got a little banged up. I don’t know why KC is playing with your emotions with Rashee Rice a Roni and the “unknown severity” bullcrap, that ACL is Torn like Natalie Imbruglia. I’m ok with it because it just made Dr. Xavier Worthy the number one receiver for those Chiefs. Of course I was immediately offered a sack of marbles and a dead parakeet with his head taped back on for him by guess who. Your roster is sick, if this was Red Dead Redemption II you wouldn’t be able to keep all these running backs in you stable. I don’t see the bye weeks hurting you, hell this is Saquon Barkley’s bye and I don’t think anyone noticed. Cuchillos has some matchups that could become high scoring affairs. I will be keeping an eye on you two for sure.
1. An American Tailback
I called it. First repeat offender at number 1. And a battle of undefeated’s this week. Commish’s Game of the week is Tailback V Cobra where early projections have you as a very slight favorite, as I write this it has just hit midnight and waiver claims are processing. I see you have no healthy/bye week tight end and see Kraft and Fant are not cleared as Free Agents, can’t help but think one of them is rolling in the hay with Fievel Mousekewitz. I look at the player matchups for both of you and really anything can happen anything but a dramatic drop for you in the power rankings even a loss would be hard for me to see the numbers take you any further down than 3 and that would have to be a Vistitoresque loss for that kind of drop. This is going to be an exciting week and even though I give my best man a ton of shit, I have nothing but love for the both of you, may the actual best man win.