Honestly, I’m over this season and I’m ready to sell. Everything is up for grabs for draft picks at this point if you’re interested, if you’re not including a draft pick upgrade, DON’T BOTHER SENDING THE OFFER, Cobra I’m talking to you. Other than that little bit of business, at the very least I can still try to entertain you ungrateful bastards and Jay. Enough, let us begin.
12. The Visitors
It’s hard sometimes. I finally sit Garrett Wilson on the advice of some stupid ass kid, and he gets his first double digit reception game of the year. On top of that, league tomato can, EbarMedia turns into a fantasy football Rain Man for a week. And then he, definitely, definitely, talks shit like his ass is 5 and 0 and not 1 game out of a desert music festival porta-potty. My Visitors may be struggling but my Red Bulldog Fantasy Football League is thriving. I’m happy that you’re all happy.
11. Charles’s IR Team
If anyone knows how you feel it’s me. I’d say you’re 2 wins from having a chance at getting into the show before Christian McCaffrey comes back to life. Only problem is this upcoming week you have more byes than an *NSYNC song. I’m rooting for you. I hope somehow you and I end up in the championship game.
9. TIE Joe’s Victorious Team and Cuchillos y Gallons
JVT may have finally lost that magic. Luck is no longer fielding his best team for him, and I expect this to be the beginning of the end for JVT and only a matter of time before IR and The Visitors jump him
Cuchillos had a great opportunity to take out a wounded Rams House but did not capitalize with the kill shot. I know it seems like crazy talk, but I think IR and Visitors can jump Cuchillos too. Visitors just need a new manager.
8. The Mint
How can The Mint think his team is strong if my numbers have his former employee EbarMedia above him? The Mint benefitted from the phantom team going unmanaged because the 2 obvious changes would have made it a 10-point game and 9 free agent kickers would have tied that gap or beat it. You are lucked out in the schedule by facing the IR Team this week in his bye week hell. I feel good about you getting a win this week, but it doesn’t mean your team is strong…
7. EbarMedia
Barley one foot out of the toilet and EbarMedia thinks he’s won the Superbowl and banging Taylor Swift on the 50-yard line during the halftime show. Typical Cowboy fan. They beat the Cardinals in the preseason and go out to get their rings sized the same night. And a call for mutiny to boot? I run the best God damned FFL in the history of mankind, if anyone is getting the boot it’s your Klingon ass. Your, and only your league dues have increased to $55.69 USD for next year. SANCTIONS IMPOSED! That said, you’re getting better, I suspect you’re getting help, read on to find out where I think that help is coming from. None the less, you are now the most likely former toilet team to make the playoffs if you can keep track of your team and login information.
6. Ka’imi’s Kupp Runneth Over
You won my Brothers Printers Brother-in-Law Bowl and square off against Cuchillos this week. You’re an early favorite to win that one. That would put you at 500 on the season but you’re already 500 in my power rankings so I see it happening. Should be one of the better matches this week. Playoff hopes are alive and well and very much expected in the eyes of this Commissioner.
5. Njigbas in Paris
This little Njigba had already counted himself out on Monday morning. He decided there was no chance his team could win. But 100 yards on the ground gets bonus points and at 102 yards rushing, Kareem Hunt limped Njigbas past (formerly) undefeated Kekambas by a single point. On top of that Njigbas finally made a trade go through with Cobra which may have yielded them their keeper for next year in 10th rounder Big 🐔 Brock Bowers. That being said, a 1-point victory doesn’t boost a team to number 1 in the power rankings, this a scientific process based on actual mathematics. You’re lucky to maintain at 5 youngling. Don’t come walking into league headquarters demanding to be number 1 in the power rankings, don’t you ever do that again. I’m not afraid to impose sanctions (see #7)
4. Rams House
Rams House had their bad bye week and got lucky to get out of it with a W, but they did it. Hell, you still fell 2 spots in the rankings with the win, that’s how you know you got lucky. This week you match up with the boy we just read about below you in the Battle of the Babies and you are heavily favored although I think it’s time to give up on Jordan Mason and the 49ers in general. They are exposed and will do nothing without a real QB until they get McCaffrey back.
3. Marion Cobra Cobretti
This fool has the audacity to tell the commissioner that he voted against his own trade after watching Big 🍆 Brock drop a double deuce in fantasy while getting destroyed by the Broncos. That’s a good trade, both parties feel screwed even the one who accepted it! Well, that double deuce didn’t help you anyway because Ja’Marr Chase took his own deuce right on your chest and it slid the length of your entire squad giving you your first loss of the season. This week you have the closest thing to a bye week in a match up with JVT, so I expect you to be at 5 wins by the next power rankings but you better score points if you want to stay up here in the rarified air, the winner of Njigbas/House is gunning for your spot
2. Kekambas
So just like that we lost all but one undefeated team, but you were lost to us by only 1 point. Yours inspired this week’s cover art. Your loss was so miniscule that you GAINED a spot in the rankings. A hundred yards rusher is so rare now a days that it’s worth the total 5 bonus points if you ever get it. And how crazy that 3 yards lost that game for you. I’ve seen stat corrections for more than 3 yards before, meaning it was possible to wake up this morning and see that Yahoo! corrected Hunt and the matchup to a loss. Well, they didn’t, and you did, lose that is, and it is my goal to see that you lose to a David Diaz two weeks in a row. Probably not, but who cares, I’m glad your 49ers suck too. Brock Purdy is not a real QB that is why he was the last pick of the NFL draft…
1. An American Tailback
That’s the pick you’re probably going to get my boy as you steam roll through the league yet again, last pick goes to the Champ. This was your first win against an undefeated team since week 1, but that was The Visitors so no one will count it. This one was real, and this one was convincing and it won’t happen again because you are now the last undefeated Bulldog remaining. You face off against the Rain Man, EbarMedia, this week. We’ll see if they’ll ask their elementary school students for help again this week because there is no way they came up with a winning formula on their own, dude just learned how to log into the app in Week 2. You’re a marked man now, everyone will be out to get you and try to add a blemish to your record. Your loyalty to the league and to its esteemed commissioner NEVER goes unnoticed. I know the election is a month away but I’m writing in Tailback for Champ!