Rivalry week is in the books. Yahoo! names it that and random scheduling actually pitted father against son as you can see in our cover art this week. I will work on better rivalries for the rest of you for the years to come if we can get the league to stick together for a while. I’m thinking Trevor’s 9th V IR for the Brother in Law Bowl, EbarMedia V Cobra for the Battle of the Steve’s, Mint V Gallos in the Lowrider Bowl, Kekambas V Rams House for the 23andMe Bowl because if we get those baby pictures side by side it’s uncanny. That leaves Tailback and the vacated Fire Sail, so many rivalry categories we can find in a new owner there, Make a Wish Bowl, Star of David Bowl, Mad Scientist Bowl, Midwestern Bowl, my favorite is going to be Remission Bowl (FYI, typing “famous people who beat” in a Google search to find possible celebrity owners and the first thing that comes up is “their wives” and then “cancer”, glad we have our priorities straight). Enough with these shenanigans and onto the rankings. Let it begin!
12. Charles’s IR Team
You know what? I thought this was your week. C-Mac was back, you had a weak opponent in EbarMedia, CJ Stroud and the Texans offense were exploding in the first half of Sunday night and for certain were going to carry on and secure the W in the second half. But then they just stopped playing. Figuratively dropped trou and left a big steamy one on their own home field, none the less. Well fear not, I was probably just off by a week, I didn’t realize we match up in the upcoming week. Run CMC will have a week under his belt and all the kinks out, Stroud is playing Dallas, and I’m me. Toilet bowl this week versus…
11. The Visitors
My own kin takes me out. I could have started both my quarterbacks and would have got less than half the points his got to start the damn week on Thursday. I was doomed from the start. I expect to be the IR teams first victim with this luck. But I’m still the best Commissioner in all the land and have been doing unspeakable things to my last opponents Mom for 19 years and a day so who cares if he won. 😉
10. Fire Sail
Fire Sail sure is taking it’s League/Commissioner ownership to heart by going on a 3 game skid since it’s seizure and since it’s been having a proper roster set. This week the burning ship was even favored by almost 17 points in Yahoo!’s original projections, the largest gap between any two teams this week and soemhow found a way to lose by double that. Thinking about transferring the ownership to a homeless person that’s eating their own scabs to get this elite franchise back on track. Moving on…
9. EbarMedia
Look who got their 2nd win of the year. Could be your 7th win if you managed your team a little better but whatever. You’re Steve and we love you for who you are. Next week you face off against a cocky Kekambas team that picked up a kicker named Romo just to break your little, silver blue pants star helmet wearing, heart. But one of these days the Eagles will have to use their QB as a Qb and start throwing a touchdown or two and maybe this is the week and AJ Brown goes off and finds a way to get you something in Fantasy Football that you only find in your panties after a long night of binge drinking, a streak. I’ll tell you what won’t happen against the now best defense in the NFL at 13.1 points per game, your Los Angeles Chargers. 428 yards, 4 touchdowns, Burrow will be a non factor in this matchup. You can shake this league up this week Ebar. Give it a shot
8. Trevor’s 9th Place Team
Big win against Fire Sail and this weeks matchup is against The Mint, one of the teams directly above you in the standings and these rankings. At midnight I went free agent shopping and saw Bo Nix locked up on a waiver claim and I was very interested in who was taking him. Now I know who, good pick up, good keeper potential too. Chubba has been gangbusters for you and is on bye week right when you need him most but maybe dropping the “a” can come through and Chubb, fresh off bye week with some reps and the rust off, will come up huge in this do or die matchup. The road then goes through Cobra who has proven to be beatable, then Ebar who has proven to be laughable and that final week against Kekambas that has finally proven themselves. It’s not the easiest road but if you make it into the playoffs you’ll defintely prove you belong there.
6. Tie Rams House and The Mint
Start with Rams House since The Mint beat him and will have words for me if I don’t start with the House. Rams House, oh how the mighty have fallen. You suffer from the Eagles stupidity. It’s going to cost them a chance to compete in the playoffs and at the same time, it’s going to ruin Cobra as well. Hurts will get Hurt being used as a goaline back and rushing as much as he does and in garbage time against grabage teams with garbage players in. It doesn’t make sense. I predict the injury will come in week 15 against the dirtiest team in NFL history, The Steelers. So then they’ll start using the best running back in the NFL since Ladainian Tomlinson again but will it be too late for Rams House? You have a statement matchup this week against Cobra. It’s going to come down to Saquon V Hurts. Let the running back run the damn ball man! Quarterbacks throw. Throw it to DeVonta and lets see what happens when the snake eats it’s own tail.
The Mint. Would anyone believe me if I said The Mint, at an average of 118 points in the span, has the longest current win streak at 3 games. Cobra at 137, Cuchillos at 132, Tailback at 130 point averages, in the same span can not claim the same streak. That’s because a league low of 978 points has been scored against The Mint. I guess the old saying is right, Defense wins championships. Only one other team still has triple digits points against after we closed week 10. Easy math gang, move that decimal point to the left and you’ll see the average points scored per week (poor IR team sees an average of 136.45 points against every week😬) So like I said earlier this is a pivitol week for you and Trevor’s 9th. He can’t break through without this win. He needs more than this win, but this is a must, it starts here. You my friend, you’re on a 3 game run but you need another 3 game run, I just took a look at your next 2 and they are huge. So we know about Trevor’s 9th, lose that and you open the door for a new contender for the 6th playoff seed. But it doesn’t end there. Win or lose week 12 is Cuchillos which you are only leading in the standings not in my rankings and, spoiler alert, they aren’t even the next team up in the rankings. If (when) Cuchillos wins this week against Fire Sail you’ll either have the same record as them with a loss to Trevor’s 9th or you’ll maintain a 1 game lead with a win against T’s 9th. That means, unless this week, against T’s 9th, you outscore Cuchillos by 36 points, a week 12 loss to Cuchillo’s would give Cuchillos the tie breaker going into the last couple weeks. And then you face standingsmate Njigbas in week 13 and The Visitors in 14. But if we have the same records across the board for Rams House, Njigbas, Cuchillos, Trevor’s 9th, possibly one our current 8-2’s and yourself, it’s all going to come down to total points. And as it stands now, you have the lowest, yes just by .5 points, but still, you have the lowest total points out of all of the true contenders. Don’t allow yourself to be on the outside looking in when it’s all said and done. Defense may win Championships but it doesn’t win tie breakers.
5. Njigbas in Paris
I have another son but, as far as I know, I’m your only father. How could you? At least Rams House had respect for me and I’m just his uncle. Sure that one loss may cost him his season but it’s worth it to know that he has respect for his family and his elders, just ask him. Anways I’m still winning in life, read the end of number 11 if you don’t remember. Ok so you have Tailback this week, a win gets you closer to the big boys in the standings. A convincing win can get you a jump over Cuchillos in the Rankings, you are only 1 power point below him (23 to 24). Fire Sail after that, who can’t find a win anymore, you’re welcome. The saltiest Mint you’ll ever chew week 13 but, will your honeymoon with Kareem Hunt be over by then? Word on the street is Isiah Pacheco will be back that week, just in time to ruin your season. Or will he have lost a step and lost his gig? Njigbas is going to be Njinteresting down the stretch. What if Tyreek Hill comes back to beat you this week? Wouldn’t that be some shit? Can’t wait.
4. Cuchillos y Gallos
Cuchillos 140+ streak had to end somewhere and it ended at the hands of Tailback and the highest score of the week in a statement win for the former top Bulldog. 24 points from your defense and you couldn’t break 100, that’s a tough week. There was no way you were going to maintain that high octane performance we were seeing for the past 5 weeks but it was exciting. It sure boosted your rank and put you in playoff contention with a very clear road to staying there. This week you get Fire Sail, should be no problem, and you may have already read about what I said about the matchup against The Mint week 12. That it huge, biggest game of the year for you. Cobra after that isn’t a big deal even if you lose because you have a bye week against EbarMedia to close things out. It’s The Mint week 12 or bust as long as you don’t screw up Fire Sail. Let’s go!
3. Kekambas
Kekambas showed up. Life imitating art. They beat the Boowa’s or Tata’s or whatever to cement their place in the show only it was Cobra. Yes it isn’t mathematically official yet but it might as well be. Your next 2 opponents are Ebar and IR. Then it’s Rams House and Trevor’s 9th, both will very likely be holding on for dear life to playoff hopes. But if you do what you should against the first 2 it won’t matter against the last 2. Commish will soon be welcoming you to the playoffs with open arms. Way to go Kekambas, that snake don’t bite. (FYI your luck continues, you managed to face Cobra when he scored the fewest points he’s scored all year long)
2. An American Tailback
Highest score of the week. You have the easiest schedule remaining. Your last real contest is this week against my little Njigba. I actually don’t like your chances there. I feel real good about his chances and the actual NFL matchups in your contest. Bengals/Chargers will not be fruitful read number 9. And this trade that happened in the middle of writing makes Njigbas a little better in my Charger loving opinion. Kamara against the Browns isn’t a good matchup and the Bears suck but their defense doesn’t. That’s 4 homerun hitters that I don’t think are doing shit but you can afford a loss. Why is that? Because yeah I say you’re not doing shit this week but the rest of your schedule is actual shit, Visitors, IR, Fire Sail. Welcome to the Playoffs.
1. Marion Cobra Cobretti
Kekambas were the snake charmer to your Cobra. They put you in a trance and conviced you to put up your worst score of the season. 105.5 still better than everyone else’s worst by far. Only triple digit worst. Kekambas worst 88 points, only time they scored double digits, but like I’ve been saying all year, he’s the luckiest son of a bitch out there, he still won, and it was against Tailback. He’s now played you and Tailback on both your worst weeks. When we get into the playoffs it’s going to be your job to prove or disprove… Is it better to be lucky than to be good? Of the top teams you have the hardest remaining schedule. Rams House/Trevors 9th/Cuchillos/Njigbas all contenders. I don’t think it’s cause for alarm for missing the playoffs, a 5 game skid would put you at 8-6 and the same in wins for Trevor’s 9th would bring him to 8-6 as well. That would probably have 4 of y’all sitting at that record between the 5-8 spots. Your points would defintely give you the tie breaker. Somehow you have the toughest road of the 8-2 teams but it’s still a sure thing. Welcome to the playoffs. Lets get ready for week 11.