We’re back my dudes. To our newcomer and returner, as members of the Red Bulldog Fantasy Football League, as my special treat to you, and normally to keep me interested as I am somehow normally mathematically eliminated in week 3, I create my own Power Rankings and try to get them out to you by Tuesday of each week. These rankings take into account 3 power categories. The first two are straight forward, record and total points, the last category is breakdown. Breakdown is a running record against every team every week. For example, Cuchillos y Gallos was our highest scoring team this week, their breakdown record is 11-0 because they would have beat all you miserable pieces of shit had they had the opportunity to do so but they only had the privilege to wipe the floor with Dixon Yamada. And then there is the other side of the spectrum, three losing teams outscored Kekambas, our lowest scoring winner and would that be ok that Yahoo or Sleeper would have them ranked higher? NO!! That’s why we have the official Commissioners Power Rankings so you know where you really stand so let’s do this right, from worst to first, naturally the lowest score will have a breakdown record of 0-11 and will be our week one bum. Let me also say to all of you that week 1 rankings are always pretty straightforward since there is limited data in the young season. You can expect to see the winning teams in point total order at the top and likewise for the losing teams from 7-12, point’s order. Also to make it crystal clear to the whining, little bitch trio in the league, this is completely mathematical. A spreadsheet calculates all power factors and tells me exactly where you should be. There is no human factor in the actual rank. The only human factor to your ranking is the words describing your sorry asses. Let’s see the Rankings!!!!!
- Drake Me Off
I’m not going to go soft on you young man but I will point out everything I can, good and bad, about this epic meltdown. Let’s start with the extremely obvious, Drake Maye and the Patriots suck actual ass, they would have left David Garrrard’s Chron’s disease infested bowel system crystal clean with amount of ass sucking they can accommodate. You left a real QB on the bench and 11 more points. You’re playing with men now and you need to start acting like it. That said, here are the bright spots after week one. You probably should have won this. So many big names underperformed in Week 1 due to their lack of preseason reps. Even with the underperformance, you still have what I think is the best receiving corps in our league. It will be hard to decide which 3 you’re going to roll with each week, and your Running Backs are so ass that it’s insane you haven’t dealt one of those Receivers for an actual name in a backfield. You have another bright spot that is actually a bad thing too, Kittle played about 56 seconds of that game and was your leading non-QB scorer. If he stays in that game, you probably win. But he didn’t and won’t be back for probably more than a third of our season. I promise this isn’t shit on Drake Maye day… It’s shit on Drake Maye year!!!!
- Team EbarMedia
Good ol’ EbarMedia picking up right where they left off. You faced a Visitors squad that was still getting into their regular season shape and still lost convincingly. It’s funny that the 2 bottom teams are run in a “I love the (ENTER SHITTY, OVERRATED NFL TEAM NAME HERE)” sort of manner. You also suffer from a terrible running back corps but, unfortunately, you don’t have shit to make them better. You’re going to need to find this years Bucky Irving to have any sort of chance with your Cowboy incrusted crew. It’s week one and the rest of the league is just thanking you for your participation (money).
- Dixon Yamada
DY, you played our highest scoring team this week, so you didn’t have a chance. Only a scheduling god putting you up against the 2 jobbers we’ve already read about on this list would have got you in the win column this week. You were this leagues winner of the “My Billionaire Girl Needs To Stop Glazing Xavier Worthy Award” but MBGNTSGXWA aside it still would have been impossible to beat the team with Henry and Allen as they alone outscored your entire team. Your bench is interesting after the Bigsby trade and Chase will never score under 4 points again. Of our bottom feeders, yours just seems to be a place holder.
- Dolphins Country
You drew the second hardest matchup of the week, and you were borderline bit by the “team you like” snake like our 12 and 11 ranked teams. Even though the only player you have from Snowflake’s Squad is Tyreek. It just doesn’t seem like the ‘Fins remember how to play offense. Well except to crap on you for 15 points by Achane when they should have been passing every play to try to get back in that game. Brightside though, Higgins outscored Ja’Marr Chase. Darkside though he had 4 points and it’s because somehow Joe Burrow had fewer passing yards than 30 of the other 31 starters in the NFL. Back to Brightside though you would have beat 4 teams this week and your numbers are week 1 deflated. It feels like you’re going to be just fine and competing for one of our coveted playoff spots when the season starts winding down.
- (Tie) Team TheMint1
Week 1 and we already have a tie in the Power Rankings, which is a first. TTM1 performed very well but were outdone by the first overall pick of the draft. REMEMBER we are using our traditional non-fractional point scoring system that this league has always used and you can see your true score on Yahoo! I will update the scores anytime it will make a difference in the game and, boy howdy, this one almost made me have to do it…. until I realized I hadn’t swapped out Meyers for Ridley on Yahoo for Cobra. Yes, this game was much closer due to an underperforming AJ Brown and all TTM1 needed was for JJ McCarthy to play the first half the way he played the second half in the Monday Night Football game to pull out a W. But a loss is a loss, and it really stinks that you’ll be starting the season with 2 of those as you face The Resurgent Visitors in week 2 where you are projected to be the early underdog.
- (Tie) Kekambas
Two firsts in this Power Ranking! Never had a week one tie and never had a week one Power Ranking that wasn’t a straightforward list of the teams who won in descending order of points in the top 6 and likewise for the teams that lost in the bottom 6. Kekambas did so poorly in a winning effort that this anomaly has finally happened. And they didn’t even take 7th place on their own, they tied which means if there was one more losing team to outscore or tie Kekambas, and if we look at Yahoo!, Dixon Yamada was a single point from doing that, Kekambas would be the hands down number 8 team in this ranking. Let’s all remember that Travis Kelce straight 187’d Xavier Worthy because he thought White Beyonce wanted to bang him, pretty sure he would have been good for that point needed. I was going to write “All kidding aside right” now but I realized that all I ever write are facts and I need to stick with my Brightside terminology instead. Brightside, Joe Burrow is not going to be the 31st place QB in total yards this year, this week was a fluke for him, and he definitely carried you to your championship last year. It’s not selling time yet as the same underperforming trend on you Receivers is probably also a fluke. But my spreadsheet doesn’t lie and Math is consistent, you aren’t just the worst winning team this year, you are now the worst 1-0 team in the history of the RBFFL, you are the New York Giants of our league, somehow making it to Super Bowls and somehow winning, the irony is you beat a Patriots themed team this week to make it even more true.
- Laddy and the Tramps
So, this makes you another first in league history. If we had our first week one winning team in the bottom 6 that means we had to have our first losing team in the top 6. Well, my boy, that is you. And you may have only lost because of our early draft, or because the Steelers were glazing Kaleb Johnson as the second coming of Jerome Bettis throughout the preseason, only to give him 1 carry the entire game. And then you have what will end up being the best defense in the league this year and you bench them for the Bengals? I know you’re in panic mode because this is the first time I’ve seen you wake up before 2PM since you graduated, looking for trade partners but the fact that you are the first week one loser in League History to accomplish this rank means it’s not so bad. Don’t act hastily.
- The Visitors
I hate talking about how great I are, so we’ll move on. Vistors rule, all y’all drool.
- Marion Cobra Cobretti
I know you’re worried about your QB situation and probably rightfully so. Looks like you got some good last-minute advice on that Meyers/Ridley swap because honestly without that if the TTM1 starts Coleman for anybody else eligible on his roster, we’d be looking at a 0-1 Cobra squad and 2 losing teams ranked higher than a winner. But since you have the worst Running Back on Atlanta and their Best Receiver, it seems like it might be enough to keep you a winning squad this year, especially since they are the same person. Cobra did what he needed to do but Cobra was once excited about playing TTM1 3 times this season thanks to Bowl Week, I think now he might be worried a bit. Keep it up Cobra.
- Electric Boogaloo
This matchup was almost controversial to the Yahoo! scoring as well. But thanks to a last-minute Odunze TD the controversy was adverted, and you safely secured the number 3 spot in this ranking. That long wait from draft to season made me the most worried about this squad when the season would start. We could all see the soft spot was your WR positions and they lived up to that worry. Everything else was so solid that it did not matter though. Also, your defense will not play Tennessee every week, honestly, I can’t be sure of that because I haven’t looked at the entire NFL schedule but historically two teams don’t play each other every week of the season and I’m just playing the odds. I will tell you what I do know and am very excited for, the only schedule that matters, ours, and in that one the next team you play is…
- Nakua Matata
Big win for Matata this week by his wide receiving studs. Matata by far had the best managing pick of the week starting virtual unknown Emeka Egbuka over Marvin Harrison Jr. With a decent RB corps this squad is definitely one to be feared. It’s hard not to look at the QB spot of your team without major and obvious alarm. The ferret-looking Bo Nix may be the only reason you don’t make it to our final stage in December. But maybe since you derive your name from a singing meerkat, the ferret will find inspiration as the season proceeds. For now, great job Matata, you’re a hot steaming number 2.
- Cuchillos y Gallos
Remember I talked about Yahoo! scoring being official? Somehow Cuchillos is the only team that Sleeper underscored this week at 126.77, Yahoo! had you at 128.5. You could have rested your entire team that wasn’t named Allen or Henry and still won this week. I just realized, Allen, Henry, Herbert, Hunter, and Elliot? These are all cats with first names for last names, is that your magic gypsy? Even Montgomery and Golden might qualify for this sorcery. Whatever it is, you were the team to beat this week, and no one was going to do it. I normally feel bad for our top team in the Power Rankings, not for a jinx or anything but because at this point I’ve written pretty much all I can for everyone because I talk about the matchups and obviously, I already talked about this one when writing about Dixon Yamada. Also, I’m pretty much burnt out mentally after all this gold you’ve read above. But wow, Sleeper’s scheduling and predictions sure gave me a writing topic for you…. Week 2 you match-up with… …. …… Kekambas. And these shit heads have you as a 13-point dog in their projections. That’s not a slight advantage, it’s the widest spread for a matchup that doesn’t involve league cum rag, Team EbarMedia. Sure, it is probably going to be the same old thing where Kekambas will win by scoring half a point and your entire starting lineup will come down with full blown AIDS seconds before kickoff leaving you with a goose egg for the week. And I’m talking classic AIDS, 80’s AIDS, the death sentence, not the life sentence that this newfangled, post Magic Johnson AIDS has become. Speaking of the 80’s the late great Rodney Dangerfield said it best and I will end like that, “No respect at all.”