Week 2 is in the books. More of the same in some cases but some big surprises as well. We’ve got a perfect spectrum of 3 teams still looking for their first win, 6 teams that have already experienced the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat and 3 teams that remain flawless. Let’s get it started!
12. Dolphins Country
This rank shows the beauty of my spreadsheet. ’Fins are 0-2 after falling to Laddy on Monday night, but we have 2 other teams coming up that are also 0-2, one of which had a giant steamer dropped on his preppy chest in week one. But the breakdown record, how you would have performed against the rest of the league, is what dropped you down to the bottom this week. You are 3rd to last in total points, tied for last in actual record but dead last in the breakdown. That’s the bad news, the good news is, it’s only week 2. There is still very little data to make these rankings and a great example of this is if you had scored better than just one more team you would be at least tied for 10th. This week you have a brutal matchup against Electric Boogaloo. I know one thing for sure, a win against this squad would be a statement that Dolphins Country is here to play.
10. (Tie) Drake Me Off
DMO got out of the cellar by more than doubling their week 1 score. That was a big boost in your breakdown as you would have only lost to 5 teams this week. Unfortunately, you played one of those teams, matter of fact you played the highest scoring team of the week. You actually Jerry Jones’d yourself out of the win. You dropped a top defense in the Ravens to roll with the banged up 49’ers just because they were playing the Saints. Bad move, that drop and the loss of those 10 extra points from the Ravens D and the no brainer roster change of Ertz for Strange was, for lack of a better word, strange. Those moves would not only have led you to victory but would have made you our highest scoring team this week. Week 3 will be no picnic for you either as you match up against last weeks Top Bulldog Cuchillos y Gallos. A dub will really help your rank but at the moment you are the early underdog by a solid 8 points.
10. (Tie) Team TheMint1
If TTM1 isn’t in absolute panic mode with their QB situation then they plain old aren’t paying attention to what’s going on. You entered Monday Night’s final game as still being the projected winner in your matchup against league darling, The Visitors. You had your star QB, “#2 in passing yards” after week 1. I tried to tell you, #2 in passing yards against the joke that is the New England Patriots is just that, a big steaming #2. In week 3 you have (former?) league cum rag EbarMedia and a solid chance at your first win. But Geno? The only QB that was started this week with less points than Geno was Justin Fields and believe me, we will get to him… Awe fuck it let’s just do it now
9. Marion Cobra Cobretti
Oh, how the mighty have fallen. You tell me how dumb I was to take Lamar in the first round (with my second pick by the way) and immediately try to make me trade him to you for a cup of flour and a box of raisins. I’m not trying to bake a fruitcake here buddy, rather, I’m putting together the greatest FF Club known to mankind and beyond. You did something this week that you’ve never done, not even in the playoffs last year when Jalen Hurts died in the first quarter, you were finally our lowest scoring team of the week. I drafted who I wanted when I knew I’d be able to get him, I didn’t want to play musical chairs with my QB’s this year. And musical chairs is definitely what you’re doing in your QB room, you left the draft with the number 1 pick and JJ McCarthy and Michael Penis Jr. (sic) as your QB committee. You trade Penis for Fields then drop Fields. Trade again for Kyler Murray, drop McCarthy for Lawrence, drop Lawrence to, are you fuckin’ kidding me?, to pick up Fields again, and then start him over Kyler? Week 3 you will welcome those very same Visitors that have no question who is taking the snaps for them. You’re the early favorite but who knows if you’ll even have any of the players that are currently rostered by the time the games kickoff. This will be fun I can already smell the left over smoke from the shootout Lamar is going to have with the Lions. Can’t believe you lost to…
8. Team EbarMedia
What in God’s majestic name are you doing up here? Team EbarMedia is sly like a fox with his Cowboys players. It was never because he liked them, it’s because he knew they were so terrible that they’d have to end up scoring 1000 points this year just to keep up with super shit teams like the Giants. You took down the Cobra by scaring him into indecision. You may look, act, sound, smell and somehow taste (don’t ask) like a complete idiot but what you lack in knowledge (and it’s a lot) you make up for in undeserving confidence in your team. I kid with EbarMedia a lot but it’s because, honest to God, I love this guy more than he’ll ever know. I want the league to take a moment to congratulate my friend Steve Escobar on more than just this fantasy victory but also a life victory as he starts a, well deserved, dream job promotion next week. Three Cheers for Steve Escobar.
7. Kekambas
I thought last week’s ranking anomaly was something that could never be matched. Let’s explain how a 2-0 team ranked into the bottom half of the power rankings. Obviously, you tie for first in actual record, but as the lowest scoring winning team for a second week in a row, you are SECOND TO LAST in total year to date points. I hate repeating myself but allow me to do it anyways. YOU ARE 2-0 AND SECOND TO LAST IN TOTAL POINTS. The only team with less points than you is Drake Me Off and it required a spectacularly shitty performance in week 1 to do that. That makes your breakdown wins, your record against the whole league, 9-13. That’s only good for 3rd to last in breakdown. As always Kekambas proves the saying that it’s better to be lucky than to be good. There some buts here though. BUT Joe Burrow died right when he was getting into the swing of things. That kind of damage to your team should have derailed you to a sure loss. BUT Cuchillos is Bills heavy and he was a victim of his team being too good. Josh Allen didn’t have to do much to beat the Jets, like I said Fields was the lowest scoring starting QB this week in our league, imagine how little it takes to beat that. BUT you had the fantasy player of the week in Amon-Ra, I am technically an accountant so I did the math, Cuchillos would have needed to start 12 Wide Receivers at the average he got out of his starters to top Amon-Ra and even EbarMedia knows, you can’t start 12 Receivers. You must be thanking the heavens for your league mates looking after you and vetoing your Baker Mayfield trade. The Dixon Yamada matchup for week 3 is intriguing and a convincing win may finally get you over the halfway mark on this list.
5. (Tie) Laddy and the Tramps
Another rankings tie for the Tramps, it’s like you’re a good team logo away from greatness you ungrateful little shit. You got your first win this week and you’re putting up solid numbers with a surprising squad that is somehow under and over performing. Your big names aren’t doing shit but your wise pick-ups are keeping you alive. I hate to rain on your parade after your win but I wouldn’t be the commish if I didn’t mention that your win came against the first team I wrote about on this list. Season is young but the lowest rank is still the lowest rank. Your consistency and 5th place in year to date points gives you a middle of the pack breakdown and exactly why you find yourself here. Week 3 brings you face to face with Nacua Matata in the battle of the Disney themes. Projections have you as a slight underdog but they also have Achane at 20+ points against the Bills so let’s not read much into that.
5. (Tie) Cuchillos y Gallos
So I’m watching the Ravens game with my boy and realized that the Browns defense is pretty legit. That defense held the great Derrick Henry to 23 yards and that defense is the reason you lost. Of course you have to add the Amon-Ra performance of a lifetime. The deep math says you averaged 6.66 points per player not named James Cook and not a kicker or defense. 35 points for Cook and 40 points for the rest of the position players, total. But you played Kekambas, what did you expect? This loss has convinced me to take the unders for everyone of the Kekambas opponents this week on Underdog. Use my referral code: ElDiaz. For your chance to win big on this too!
4. Dixon Yamada
Top Bulldog this week with 132.06 points (133.00 Yahoo! Score)… I’m sorry Dixon Yamada, I know you enjoy these damn power rankings but I just don’t have much in me for your entry. Sure I can talk more about your top score, I can even say you’ll find Dixon Yamada to have one of the stronger bench’s in this league. I could watch Dixon Yamada, I could feel Dixon Yamada, I could promote Dixon Yamada and could probably even taste Dixon Yamada until I’m blue in the face but all I’ll really be able to think of when I envision Dixon Yamada and believe me I’ll be thinking about Dixon Yamada all week long, is you’re playing Kekambas. The stay of Dixon Yamada at #4 of this list will be short. Expect your lowest score of the season. You won’t deserve it, but it’s inevitable. It’s a God damn shame and it hasn’t even happened yet.
3. Nakua Matata
Our best one loss team. You had the tough task of taking on my preseason favorite, Electric Boogaloo. You performed so well that you only lost one position in the power rankings after taking the L. As I said earlier you will be facing another 1 loss team this week in the Battle of the Disney Themes as you take on Laddy and his loveable Tramps. It gets better, after that you get EbarMedia and there’s no way they’re staying good. You’re squad is certainly strong but there is that glaring weakness. Bo Nix is not the real deal. You won when he did terrible and lost when he did decent. But maybe that a good thing as he will certainly have one of his worst outings in week 3 as he takes on one of only 2 teams to not allow a first half touchdown this season, Your, nay, My, NAY, Our Los Angeles Chargers.
2. The Visitors
1. Electric Boogaloo
What is left to be said. After the draft I feared this team the most and it only took you 2 weeks to reach the top of my rankings as expected. You won our matchup of the week against Nakua Matata, yes it was close but that was also expected. According to my Rankings and the early projections, you should be seeing another W here in Week 3 against Dolphins Country. As it looks now, the rest of this league just needs to try and keep up to Electric Boogaloo. Only a career high score for the Visitors could knock you off this perch next week. Here’s hoping for that!