Some movement this week and everyone stayed alive in the survivor pool. I’m itching to print the first check of the season, maybe we’ll see a torch or two go out next week. Let’s get on with it Commish! Show me the rankings!!!
- Drake Me Off
A preview of rivalry week had DMO lose convincingly to the team that now identifies as they/them and, more importantly, Quinshon and Friends. DMO was the first team to take the not so coveted role of lowest scoring squad of the week for a second time this season. As of right now, you are who we thought EbarMedia was and your future is about as bright as a black hole in Uranus as you face off against our leagues top scoring team to date. It may mean no worries but Nakua Matata should have you shitting your soon to be 1-5 frat boy panties.
- Quinshon and Friends
A big win against the only Bulldog lower than you in the rankings or you would have surely found a home at 12 again. It looks like you finally found a solid starting squad and it only cost you the number one overall pick of our draft to assemble them. You are, by the numbers, not as strong as one of the teams with a worse record than you but that record is certainly keeping you alive in playoffs talks. You share a 2-3 record with almost half the league and that is a good start at a late playoff run, power rankings be damned. Week 6 looks like a coinflip between you and The Mint at the moment. The Mint is the other side of the 2-3 spectrum as the strongest with that record but a win here will change the script of the entire season for you.
- Dolphin’s Country
This is a snakebit franchise. You have had the hardest schedule by far in this league dating back to last season. You seem to get matched with one of the top 3 scoring teams of the week often enough to where if I said every week, I wouldn’t be thought of as exaggerating. On top of that injuries seem to find their way to you and on top of that you finally face off against your former number one overall pick from last year and he puts up a twinkie against you. The 23.90 that McCaffrey dumped on you this week is single digits less than the 31.50 he got for you all last season. So I need to find some bright side, there are 9 games left and it took 8 wins for our worst playoff team to get in. THE SEASON IS NOT OVER! Your luck has to change in the RBFFL someday!
- Team EbarMedia
OUR TOP BULLDOG OF THE WEEK!!!!! And your dumbass left 21 more points on the bench that no other owner would have done. It’s like you’re fucking with us you crazy bastard. Crazy like a fox. If the Cowboys could play the Jets every week, I’d write you your championship check right now. But a quick look at the NFL schedule shows me that they will not, surprisingly. And the another look at our RBFFL schedule says you have a date with Dixon Yamada this week, that sounds like fun. You are both 2-3 but on opposite sides of the 2-3 spectrum. This is your chance to make the upside down world bleed into our own. You are undefeated since your promotion at work. Will you be able to sustain the new you for another week?
- Cuchillos y Gallos
Live and die with the Bills, I’ve written it before and I’ll probably write it again. Unfortunately it was die this week. Josh Allen and James Cook combined for less than 50% of their average and throw in a bit of a stinker for King Henry while you’re at it. It was a brutal hole to try to get out of. Honestly though, the kicker was the Chargers total decimation of their offensive line. 60% of that line was down to the 3rd option due to injury. The greatest QB in the game was being molested quicker than a Boy Scout at the Republican National Convention on every snap and that cost the season’s #4 receiver going into the week to get no chance to put up his regular numbers. The same O-line killed my Running back so I feel your pain. But the good news is one of us will be feeling no pain next week as we face off against each other for our only meeting before rivalry week. It will be a very interesting matchup to watch, especially with our stars going at each other in the Buffalo/Atlanta game.
- (Tie) Dixon Yamada
Another tie in the rankings as Dixon Yamada came….. up short, sorry for the long pause, against the second highest score of the week. Pick 6’s hurt in the NFL and they hurt just as much in the RBFFL. Even with that 8 point reversal it wasn’t going to be enough to topple The Mint. You have the most interesting matchup coming up here in week 6 and a loss could turn these rankings into a rollercoaster. You will face a surging, week 5 top Bulldog, EbarMedia. EbarMedia who didn’t start the number one back on a high power offense over the 3rd string running back and 4th best rusher on the Bills and still took the top seat this week. The head games he is going to put you through between now and kickoff might be enough to topple you. Will he put in White? Will he even get a kicker to replace the bye week hole in his roster? Who the fuck knows, certainly not me!
- (Tie) Kekambas
Kekambas got Kekamba’d for the second time this season! Even when there is a tie I like to put the team I feel is better lower, physically lower on the list, closer to the top teams. I had trouble trying to figure out who was going to be the top and who was going to be the powerbottom of this tie. Head to head Dixon Yamada (sounds painful) took you out in week 3 so I thought they could get the nod, but I decided overall record would be my kicker and you inspired my cover art for the week so that helped you out too. You were beat by an injury decimated Electric Boogaloo group that was shaking as Dalton Kincaid decided to have the game of his life on Sunday Night after they had already put up their lowest total of the season. But even with the best receiving day of his career and your opponent putting up their lowest score to date, you came up ever so short. Week 6 finds you against another one of my brother in laws and another team hurting with injuries and Bye Weeks in Dolphins Country. Pretty sure I’m going to see some roster movement here so that’s the most I can comment about the matchup. Looks like you may once again be playing against a team that could be putting up their lowest total of the year.
- Team TheMint1
The Mint was just shy of being the top score of the week. Honestly you coached like shit! Any of your healthy bench players being swapped in with a little switch in your flex and you would have taken the top score easily. Either way you got your second win of the season which got you to the most popular record in our league at 2-3. If the regular season ended today you would be the only one of the 5 teams with this record to be in the playoffs. But it doesn’t end today, matter of fact you matchup against my sweet angel of a son this week and at the moment you guys are basically as 50/50 as it gets in the projections. My 2 trade partners, I guess we’ll see which one of you got the better deal. Is that a double tight lineup I see?!?!?!??!
- Marion Cobra Cobretti
As I write this you just won a match… Again. You also made, and thus received, terrible trade offers… Again. And you just left the official League Chatroom… AGAIN! What a way to motivate my words! I would like to tell you about how good your team is but I never know if it is going to be the same team that I’m writing about next week. You have a couple of shitty players, really underperforming shitty players and you expect everyone to give you their good players for them. There is a reason you don’t want such names as, Brock Bowers and AJ Brown. It’s the same reason people don’t want them from you either. You did this same musical chairs routine with your roster last year while you were basically the top team in the rankings the entire time, why should I have thought you’d do anything different as a middle of the road team. That middle of the road could be worse, you could have a way better scoring team that just took their second loss of the season. I need you to start taking Yoga or something to ease your mind. Please find a way to be happy with a 4-1 squad and more importantly, a 4-1 mostly healthy squad. I sure wish I had that.
- The Visitors
Visitors survived a Monday Night against a kicker for the first time in RBFFL history. They came away with the 3rd highest score of the week but they are also slowly watching their squad’s health deteriorate. This strong start and a few more spot wins should get the other worldly Visitors into the playoffs just in time to get everyone healthy.
- Nakua Matata
“This wonderful phrase absolutely shat on EbarMedia to the tune of 166.48 points, the most this season by any team. It will take the same effort for you to get the W this week against my Visitors.” I said it would take the same effort to beat my boys and you failed to deliver. But this is the beauty of the power rankings. Yes you lost, yes you lost to the team that was number 3, yes you have a worse record than that beautiful team that beat you. But I’ll be the first to tell you none of that should have happened because this is the better team. You are the top team in 2 power categories still, Most points and best breakdown record. It’s like you said in the chat, if you could just play some defense and not allow so many points against you, you’d be reading your story next.
- Electric Boogaloo
I’m trying something new here, I’m actually writing in opposite order. So that means I’m writing this ranking first as opposed to last as I usually would. If you have got down to this and thought to yourself, damn these rankings were so much better than usual, let me know and I might make a habit of it. On the other hand, if you’re here now and thought to yourself, “well this was weird” also let me know and I’ll probably go back to business as usual… EB won and is undefeated still… Yay!
Psyche! You thought that was all I had to say about our cover art winner! The ‘loo was a heavy favorite to win this unofficial Kaiser Permanente Infirmary Bowl but ended up squeaking by with a single digit win. And after really looking into the scoring I realized that the Kekambas kicker died VERY early in a straight up live TV airing of a lubeless gang bang against the shittiest shitbirds of the league, the thrice kicked out of their home city for being so shitty, Raiders. 8 points was the difference, and the team couldn’t even go for extra points let alone garbage time field goals that would have surely pulled out the W for Kekambas. What does this mean? It means you Kekamba’d the Kekambas. That’s the second time that’s happened, feels like that trophy is changing hands this year and, right now, all signs are pointing to Electric Boogaloo.