We’re back my dudes. Some of you remember that as members of the Red Bulldog Fantasy Football League, as my special treat to you, and normally to keep me interested as I am somehow normally mathematically eliminated in week 3, (Baby David, I’ll explain to you what math is later) I create my own power rankings and try to get them out to you by Tuesday of each week. These rankings take into account 3 power categories. The first two are straight forward, record and total points, the last category is breakdown. Breakdown is a running record against every team every week. For example, Rams House was our highest scoring team this week, their breakdown record is 11-0 because they would have beat all you sorry pieces of shit had they had the opportunity to do so but they only had the privilege to wipe the floor with EbarMedia. And then there is the other side of the spectrum, If our two lowest scoring teams Charles’ Incredible and Joe’s Victorius Teams (coincidence that the 2 nameless teams had the lowest scores?????) had played each other one of them would have won and had better record than… The Mint, our highest scoring loser and would that be ok that Yahoo would have them ranked higher? NO!! That’s why we have the official Commissioners Power Rankings so you know where you really stand so lets do this right, from worst to first, naturally the lowest score will have a breakdown record of 0-11 and will be our week one bum…..
12. Joe’s Victorius Team
Didn’t quite live up to the “name”. JVT lost to fantasy newcomer Njigbas in Paris but left the winning points on the bench accompanied by early injuries. 2 Defensive touchdowns on the bench is devastating. Commish personally will never carry a backup defense just because he never wants to see that happen. Commish will also never leave a team unnamed. I learned my lesson from the film Forrest Gump (1994) It’s bad luck not to name your boat and it’s bad luck not to name your team.
11. Charles’s Incredible Team
I might need the good doctor to confirm this for me but this auto name is possibly grammatically incorrect as well as bad luck, there is only one team so shouldn’t this be Charles’ Incredible Team? Either way how about The Jenny? Something man? Whatever. Ok CIT fell victim to CMC hornswoggling the entire nation 8 minutes before the last game of the week. This power ranking is sure to go up as long as White Lighting gets his shit together and makes his way back on the field.
10. The Visitors
Shut up. Stupid ass Jets get every yard to Wilson in the first quarter making it look like the greatest come-from-behind victory of the week story in the making and then all of a sudden can’t gain a yard until the 4th. Shut up. Shut up!
9. Ka’imi’s Kupp Runneth Over
KKRO went all in on Dallas players unfortunately they were all too busy counting their ends to do anything on the field. Or is it that the defense is too good? Or is it that the Browns suck so bad that offenses can’t score fantasy points against them. I’m going to take option C. Yours was one of the closer matchups of the week. You suffered from 2 wrong guys though. Mark Andrews was the wrong Baltimore TE to start and Gus Edwards was the wrong Charger RB to start. 20+ point from 2 non quarterbacks and 19 spot from a kicker just wasn’t enough.
8. EbarMedia
Our Resident Cowboy fan. Aren’t you glad you didn’t get your Cowboy players? You’d be down a spot on my rankings. You drew the short straw this week. Although there were 4 teams you could have beat (look up), you managed to play the one team no one was going to. Your weaknesses were definitely exposed this week, TE, Def and management skills. Yes you played the highest scoring team but you also left the win on the bench. With basically a high school player at TE you’re going to go into every week with 8 players against 9, you’re going to have to coach your ass off.
7. The Mint
Like I said in the intro, you were the best of us miserable losers. Only 3 points kept you from victory. If I started a new power category of Bench Management, you would have topped it. You started the most points that were possible which is both impressive and troubling. This means your RB position is thinner than that dude at the end of that Steven King movie where the dude keeps getting thinner. (spoiler alert)
6. Kekambas
Certain defeat turned into a win after a Monday night 29 spot from a Moody kicker and a opponents number 1 overall pick late scratch. You are a winner, but you are our lowest ranked winner. I say it every year. I am amazed by your ability to show up. Keep it up Kekambas.
5. Marion Cobra Cobretti
One of 2 winners that would have lost to a losing team but that’s how the schedule schedules man. Raise your hand if you didn’t get a trade request from MCC this week. I tried to counter but he said his beloved 2.5 point scoring Egyptian god was off the table. Your team is solid. The underperformers are not your worry for sure. I only see good things in the future for MCC. Now get your scissors out and let have some pizza.
4. An American Tailback
See number 10… That was a remission gift bro. Ok, but seriously, like your doctor said to you a few months back, we have good news and bad news. Bads news is T-Law ain’t Jordan Love and that is going to be a rough few weeks for Tailback also bad news, your number one pick and his team just got manhandled by the worst team in the NFL. Good news is Alvin Kamara apparently does not age, possibly is a vampire? I’m glad we got matched up week 1, it means we get a rematch late in the season. No excuses!
I never take a QB in a single digit round. NEVER, but this year I say’s to myself, “self, you good looking bastard, let’s do it. Round 3, No one will be expecting it, Josh Allen, you middle named your favorite son after him, they have no running backs, they have no receivers, they have no defense. He’s going to do everything.” The plan was on, I Grinch/Tim Curry smiled and everything and you gallo-blocked me. After I welcome you open armed into the league named after my actual favorite son. How dare you! Anyway, guess who the only reason you won your matchup was? Certainly wasn’t Taysom Hill. I’ll be keeping my eye on you Gallos!
2. Njigbas In Paris
This dude thinks he’s taking down his old man. What he doesn’t understand is there’s a big difference between owning and commisshin’. Matter of fact maybe next year I find a new owner for The Visitors and just all in commit to my commissionership like Bart Giamatti. Literally I’m trying to help an owner who shall not be named get signed in while we’re trying to draft and he’s yelling at me for taking too long. I’m sorry princess, I have a lot of duties, it takes a lot to fill my size 14 double wides. You did well, I’m proud of you for once. It didn’t hurt that you played the league tomato can (possible name Joe?) but it also didn’t matter. Your Njigbas would have made short work of everyone this week… Everyone but…
1. Rams House
Rams House was our top scorer and by default our top ranked team for our first week. Their outlook is pretty strong as well… hopefully. They have a team that started 46 points that is often injured in Saquon Barkley and Jonathan Taylor and another 15.5 that’s trying to stay out of a DV suspension in R. Rice, and we all remember the last time a R. Rice was involved with a DV. This is a team that can go the distance and judging by some of the management moves, I can see it happening. But like Icarus it can also get its ass a little too close to the sun and come crashing back down these rankings.