Thanksgiving and week 12 are both in the books and I don’t know about you guys, but when my old lady asked everyone what they were most thankful for, when they got to me I said your whiny asses and meant it! Anyway a little something for you guys even though most of you don’t deserve. Today we’re going to do a little playoff preview for those who clinched and scenarios for those in th mix and recaps to those who have met their mathematical demise. Let us begin!
Mathematically Eliminated
12. Charles’s IR Team
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday and Charles’s IR Team. Yes, you have been mathematically eliminated and yes that was possibly back in week zero but you still have something to prove. The good thing about writing these so late is getting all these Thanksgiving games in the books and having a pretty good look into the week 13 crystal ball. We’d all like to see CIRT get a W. And that’s not out of the question for week 13 thanks to a decent start from Master Bates in your kicker spot. A Keenan Allen start over preseason shooting victim Ricky “Flesh Wound” Pearsall would have really put you on a better pace, but Tailback didn’t have anyone really go incredibly off out of his 3 spent Turkeyday starters and that was a QB and a entire receiving core. So that’s what you need, someone to go off this weekend, possibly a first overall pick?
11. EbarMedia
EbarMedia is loyal to a fault just like The Visitors. I lost a game because I couldn’t bear to start a player against my own Chargers and you did the same this Turkeyday. You also took a pounding from Rams House week 12, specifically Saquon. You’re out of the playoffs and can eliminate Trevor’s 9th with a win this week but your Cowboy loyalty and benching of rival Tyrone Tracy may cost you that opportunity, your loyalty will never be forgotten. No big deal to you I’m sure and the league shouldn’t care either, they have their chances to take care of business as well. We’ll continue.
10. The Visitors
So close to breaking into the single digit ranks with a win over bye week depleted American Tailback but a win is a win even if Quinten Johnson tried to keep it from happening by eating buttered popcorn before his Monday Night game. Certainly a win against number 9 Fire Sail will do the trick in week 13. A 12 point year to date difference and 2 extra breakdown wins keep them a ball hair above my Visitors who ironically are a hairless species. This is certainly a Garbage Bowl and I don’t care to write too much about myself so let’s continue it on number 9.
9. Fire Sail
Currently trying to work back from a Turkeyday hole against The Visitors but a big Derrick Henry day can be all they need to redomniate the trash heap. Njigbas edged out Fire Sail in Week 12 thanks to a Charger defense that kept the same King Henry out of the endzone for the first time this season. Chargers kept him out of the endzone and these 4 teams are officially out of the playoffs. Moving on to…
In the Hunt
7. Tie – Trevor’s 9th Place Team and The Mint
First we’ll do Trevor’s 9th because obviously their more the hunted then the hunter
Trevor’s 9th needs 6 wins to get into the playoffs. The first 2 are obvious, his own, this week against EbarMedia which isn’t impossible but also isn’t a given either and next week against Kekambas which means he’ll probably put up his lowest score of the season. Looking at the matchups now though, it’s going to be close. T’s 9th has way more bye weeks, both will need kickers apparently, I guess Vikings are getting their real kicker back? First 2 of 6 needed, buckle up still 4 more, next he needs a Kekamba’s win this week against Rams House which got off to a good Turkeyday start in Kekambas favor so looking good there but you need Rams House to lose twice, so in Week 14 you need a win from CHARLES’S IR TEAM, which means if he doesn’t win this week, you need his first, last, and only win of the year, and his QB is on bye week and who knows if he’s even setting a roster at that point?!??! Grab his phone the next time you see him and do it yourself geesh. Ok that was only 4 of 6, number 5, we’re rooting for the big dog, Cobra over Cuchillos, what’s another win for the probable top seed and almost definite bye week holder anyway. Last but not least. EbarMedia over the same Cuchillos, it’s unlikely, it’s not impossible… but… There is a caveat, after all these miracles happen, you need to also outscore Rams House in these next 2 weeks by 65.5 and Cuchillos 80.5. My brain hurts. Good luck, you need it most and Kekambas is using it for all of us.
The Mint
I know. You’re 5th in the standings, I don’t deny standings I just rank power. A little recap on the math (facts) that is behind the power rankings. 3 categories that we each get a score from 1-12, combine the 3 scores and whoever has the highest number has the highest rank. Your highest power category is Record with a 8-4 record, the same record (SPOILER ALERT) as the next team above you who will also complain about their rank, you tie in that category and share 16 power points, 8 each. 8 power point for The Mint for Record. The next Category is Total Points, this is where you take a big steamy Lady M dump at 1306.5, perspective, Rams House 100 points above that, Cuchillos +114, Njigbas +14.5 (that’s why you only rank 6th my boy), And your rank mate Trevor’s 9th +35. So 5 Power Points for Total Points, 13 Power Points in the first 2 categories. Last is my favorite Breakdown record, this is your overall record against the entire league if you played every team, every week, instead of the tomato cans you and Jorge get week after week. Just like Total Points, your Breakdown Record only beats the Mathematically Eliminated bracket of this power ranking at 81 wins, 5 power points (Njigbas 89, Cuchillos 90, T’s 9th 86, Rams 91). 18 total power points, Trevor’s 9th has a 5 for Record, 7 for total points, 6 for breakdown, 18 total points. A tie is a tie this means that even though you currently hold the 5 seed, the numbers say you are likely to lose it. But the numbers don’t matter this week after your big win over Cuchillos, who put up 186.5 over Fire Sail in week 11 but went minus a Gretzky against you at 87.5 in week 12. That W put you in a win and in matchup against Njigbas. Whoever wins clinches a playoff spot, a loss does not kick you out of the show quite yet either but secure it now with that W (we’ll talk about that next week👽). I’ll continue the matchup preview in his rank…
6. Njigbas in Paris
All you need is a W to secure your spot in the playoffs so you better get it this week against The Mint. You have a decent start with slightly above projections on Turkeyday but The Mint gets lucky a lot. Will Jakobi Meyers fight for him? Will Jefferson go Rushmore? Will James cook? Will Koo ka choo? So why should you get it this week instead of next? Because next week is Njigbas v Cobra and Lamar is on bye week. Do I think you can beat Cobra? Of course I do. Do I think you can beat him without Lamar? Not a God damn chance in hell. You’ll need help to make the playoffs with 2 straight losses and there’s only so much I can do for you from league headquarters my boy. Get the job done.
5. Rams House
So I guess Yahoo! changed things, I always knew playoff seeding tie breakers to be initially head to head for 2 way ties and then total points for 3 ways and more. Not anymore according to the standings the way they look now. I thought for sure when the dust settled you would be sitting in the 6 seed due to you week 5 win over Cuchillos but that is no longer the case. Your road to the playoffs is more interesting, this is Rocky II, Balboa V Creed rematch. Black Shorts with gold trim for the Italian Stalion and the only time we see The Count of Monte Fisto out of the American Flag shorts in the Franchise, The Prince of Punch is in Red with white trim. The Dancing Destroyer would return to his USA shorts when he meets his demise against Ivan Drago in Rocky IV. Back on track sorry, so like I said Rocky II last man standing. There is a chance you and Cuchillos both make the show, you need my help in week 14 if Njigbas win this week. That’s asking a lot because everyone thinks I suck. So if that doesn’t happen and the Trevor’s 9th miracle situation above doesn’t pan out, this is your Rocky II ending. You and Cuchillos have to do the same thing for the next 2 weeks but you have to do it a tiny bit better. If you both lose you need to lose better, 14.5 points better to be exact, if you both go 1-1, 14.5 points better, both win, 14.5 points better. Punch for punch, you both do the same thing, but one of you needs to get up a second before the other in that last round just like in Rocky II…
4. Cuchillos y Gallos
…Or don’t. Same for either of you is one of you wins more of these last 2 games than the other. We’ll call that the beginning of Rocky III route. At the moment, Turkeyday was not good to either of you but Rams House still has his whole team playing in Saquon Barkley so be wary. It is funny that you’re both playing the top 2 teams in the standings this week and the bottom 2 teams next week so honestly I think I already wrote the playoff scenario for you guys. I’m moving on…
Clinched
3. Kekambas
One of those top 2 teams in the standings is our very own Kekambas. The best team in the league… at complaining about their rank. Record: Tie 1st, Total points 4th (half a point above Rams House), let me repeat that, total points 4th, 1 point from being 5th. Breakdown Record 97 wins, 3rd place. 30 total power points. My friend, your team is good, no one has ever said they aren’t. All these rankings say is, they don’t belong in first place. It took a lot of luck to get there and that is why you’re not there even after beating the first place team. Yahoo! doesn’t give the nod to head to head like it used to like I said in the Rams House ranking which is surprising. If it still did you would be holding the top seed right now. Instead, you are dependent on a Cobra loss in these last 2 weeks to get that spot because there is no way you’re going to bridge the 210.5 point scoring gap between your squads in that time. Top POWER RANKED teams don’t need other teams to lose to get top seeds. Even when the Chiefs were undefeated the Lions were continuously the top team in the POWER RANKINGS this year and you didn’t hear anybody complain about it. You’re in, you belong there, but you know you’re hoping for a shocker where you get a chance at The Mint for your playoff matchup.
2. An American Tailback
You barely lost to a Visitors squad while your entire team was visiting family on its bye week. You are actually not mathematically in the playoffs yet but I’m putting you in there because it would screw up my brackets and I can back it up anyways. It would take an actual act of God to keep you out. First of all a win gets you in and you’re playing a winless team currently and 9th rank Fire Sail next week. Second, lets say you lost both, Cuchillos and House would both need to win out and then the loser of Njigbas/Mint would have to win in week 14 and in the process outscore you by well over 130 points minimum over the span. Welcome to the Playoffs, probably the 3rd seed, maybe a 2nd seed and a bye week if Kekambas gets a loss between now and the end. Which gives me my first matchup prediction, 3rd seed Tailback will play 6th seed…. NjigHouseChillMint
1. Marion Cobra Cobretti
What can be said that hasn’t been said? Top seed is secure if you win out, no one is touching your YTD score. You are very humble in the chat. Your dark horse pick to win it all will probably not make the playoffs which is adorable. The bye week Gods have made week 13 your last hard contest of the year. We’ll see which Cuchillos squad comes out against you, they are a feast or famine team and it will most definitely take a feast on Thanksgiving weekend to take down the Cobra and their top seed hopes.
