WEEK 1

We’re back my dudes. This offseason felt like it took forever to get here. What an exciting weekend though. The Raiders beat the presumptive and unanimously projected Super Bowl LXI winning Dolphins and we had upsets in our league as well, the whole world is upside down right now. To our newcomers, as members of the Red Bulldog Fantasy Football League, as my special treat to you, and normally to keep me interested as I am somehow normally mathematically eliminated in week 3, HA! Not last year bitches! I create my own Power Rankings and try to get them out to you by Tuesday of each week. These rankings take into account 3 power categories. The first two are straight forward, record and total points, the last category is breakdown. Breakdown is a running record against every team every week. For example, Cuchillos y Gallos was our highest scoring team this week, their breakdown record is 13-0 because they would have beat all you miserable pieces of shit had they had the opportunity to do so but they only had the privilege to wipe the floor with yours truly as this weeks cover art so beautifully conveyed. And then there is the other side of the spectrum, four losing teams outscored Dolphin’s make me cry, our lowest scoring winner and would that be ok that Yahoo would have them ranked higher? NO!! That’s why we have the official Commissioners Power Rankings so you know where you really stand so let’s do this right, from worst to first, naturally the lowest score will have a breakdown record of 0-13 and will be our week one bum. Let me also say to all of you that week 1 rankings are always pretty straightforward since there is limited data in the young season. You can expect to see the winning teams in point total order at the top and likewise for the losing teams from 8-14, point’s order. Also to make it crystal clear to the whining, little bitch trio in the league, this is completely mathematical. A spreadsheet calculates all power factors and tells me exactly where you should be. There is no human factor in the actual rank. The only human factor to your ranking is the words describing your sorry asses. Let’s see the Rankings!!!!!

 

  1. Smells Like Team Spirit

Bro, I don’t think that was Team Spirit we were smellin’. Ya dig? Where do we start? I guess we start in the upside down world I was talking about in my preamble, the great down unda’. It looks like Sean McVey coached you out of any real chance of winning right from the start when he decided to have his team arrive for their game halfway around the world, right before kick off. I’m not sounding the alarms yet, Stafford, Hampton and London will never combine for less than 20 again. Doubs will always have Drake Maye as his QB, so that’s a problem. And you were one of 3 owners to get a goose egg from your Individual Defensive Player (forever more to be referred to as IDP). This is our inaugural year for the IDP position so we’re all still learning and this is your inaugural year in the RBFFL. There are many who have never had the pleasure of calling themselves RBFFL Champion and no one did it their first year except for the first year of its existence.

 

  1. Monstars

Son, you know how you left for Korea and took your fluffets and huggie bookie with you because they made you feel safe and happy? That’s exactly what John Harbaugh did when he left Baltimore and took Isaiah Likely with him!!! Dude was a point away from the top TE this week. Even better the guy was playing against your opponent’s beloved Cowboys, it was a double kill and you let it slip away. You have a blaring hole at RB but your non Bears receivers are legit (as long as you don’t leave them on the bench) and so are the tight ends you didn’t start. I do like the move though. Raiders, although some see it differently, weren’t exactly playing the 1985 Chicago Bears. I think you got hosed by the Rams Australia Adventure as well, Nacua had a decent day when you consider the schedule he was on. Honestly though, I think trying to get into your grandpa’s will with all this Bears bullshit is what did you in. I see double Tight in your future, I also see you rising. This week you are an early projected favorite over The Mint.

 

  1. The Mint

Speak of the Devil. The Mint was taken down in our closest match of the week by a measly point and a half. This would have been an interesting one to see if the ol’ Sleeper fractional scoring would have made a difference but I’m certain it would not have. Your opponent had multiple “9” yard players, 4 by my count so that is a solid 4+ points more on Sleeper for him. Anyway, what a bit of bad luck. Darnold is confirmed DOA about 4 minutes into the very first game of the entire season, fuck that, the very first drive. But let’s get serious, would that have made a difference? The Patriots are the greatest team in the history of the world and Drake Maye walks on water. With the 2 added teams this year the QB pool is definitely weak but there is still plenty of help out there for you. But it’s also very interesting to see who the drops are going to be. I know Sleeper let the Commissioner allow Doubtful players to be put in the IR spot, Yahoo! Is not very generous with commish controls and this is not an option. Seahawks ain’t helping you with that Doubtful designation on Darnold here on Waiver eve. So to The Mint I say, bad break, if we had voted in team QB this match would have been in your favor and you would have found yourself in the top half of the power rankings.

 

  1. Tune Squad

A couple of takeaways from your first RBFFL match. First of all I’ve never seen both tight ends do absolutely nothing in a matchup, insane. I like your Expansion draft pick in Caleb. As a Packer fan, I hate the Bears. As a USC fan I love Caleb. The hype on the Bears has got to go. Loveland was anemic and so were all the “greatest receivers on the planet”. Luther Burden the Turd won’t do shit now that he’s covered by actual 1 and 2 DB’s. But Caleb will, the Bears are the new Cowboys, they will be playing from behind a lot and Caleb will be getting lots of points but they will lose when they are no longer playing teams like the Panthers. Look at your best non QB player… DJ Moore, where did he play last year? Couldn’t do shit though? Now he’s on a real team and look what he did. Ok besides the Bears fuckin’ suckin’, you got hurt by Hurts old boy, getting hurt, the death of AJ Brown was a terrible way to start your week, but at the same time, I blame you for trusting a Drake Maye target in the first place. I worry about your RB situation. Saquon was not spectacular and that was why I had to use my keeper on Bijan, as Saquan was the best RB projection for me if I didn’t. Also, I know you were balls deep from the start on Bhayshul “Ya Darn” Tuten, but if there was ever a game to lean on the run to waste just kill clock this was it. I would have thought the top RB for the Jags would eclipse 100 yards against that Browns team. At least hit the 80 yard bonus mark. This week you match up against one of our perennial top clubs in Electric Boogaloo and as it stands, it doesn’t look good for you. I expect to be writing again, right around here for the Tune Squad this time next week.

 

Stop the presses’, I just remembered, Aubrey missed an extra point for you! Dude, you are the kiss of death my young friend. I’m dropping anyone you have on your team that may be on any of my other fantasy leagues. Shame!

 

  1. EbarMedia

Dude what was I thinking with this 14 team bullshit. I’m still in double digits?!?!?!?! Anyway still in double digits and…. WE HAVE OUR FIRST WINNING TEAM!!!!!! The worst of the best, EbarMedia. The Oakland Los Angeles Oakland Las Vegas Raiders of the RBFFL. But what you did was disrespectful. Dishonoring our troops in a time of conflict all while being a Cowboys fan. The nerve on you. Next time you want to win, do it against a civilian not someone who was fighting for your freedom. I say was because I have a feeling he is no longer going to fight for your particular freedom after this. You got lucky but why should I continue on with you? Like you said, who even asked for these rankings in the first place, right? It’s all Chat PGA anyway. Moving on….

 

  1. Brock hit the 2nd Bower

Check out these facts. Only one free agent starting QB scored less points than Drake Maye this week. That was Cooper Rush who, up until about 3 days before the game, was the 3rd string QB for the Falcons until Tua got concussed ordering a lemonade at the Raising Canes. 2 backup QB’s came in and out pointed him. One by 60%, Drew Lock, he also beat him, and the other by 100%, that was Carson Wentz, he’s a fuckin’ ginger. Only 1 other free agent starter managed the same amount of points as Mr. Maye (is it Mr.?). That was Geno Smith, but he won his fuckin’ game with his 10 fantasy points so I’m going to say that’s an edge on they/them. Let me throw in a honorable mention, Kenny Pickett came in for the last 3 minutes and 40 seconds of the Panthers/Bears game and put up 2 fantasy points so, let’s call it 4 minutes, by my math he was on pace for… 60 minutes in a game, 60 divided by 4 is 15, 15 times 2 points is… 30, Kenny Pickett was on pace for over 30 points. What I’m trying to say is the current holder of the League’s shinebox, our last place trophy, didn’t seem to learn his lesson. In Drake he trusts, in Drake he busts.

 

  1. Dolphin’s make me cry

Our second winner to show up on the rankings and 1 of our 3 teams to get skunked by their IDP. You got away with one thanks to the removal of Sam Darnolds carcass early in the first series of the very first game this week. This week you are projected just a hair below your opponent who is your power couple right below you, Brock, and that projection is with your IDP still at a zero projection. This is going to be a matchup I’m going to watch closely, very much can go either way and send one of you up the rankings next week. One thing I do know, your Dolphins are going to live up to your name, you will be able to fill Snowflakes tank with the tears they will make you shed. How Ironic that the Dolphins pride themselves as the only team to go 17-0 and will probably be the first team to go 0-17. Their best chance at a W just passed them by.

 

  1. Rams House

Rams House was taken down by the second highest score of the week but anyone above this rank would have done the job too. Though it would not have changed anything, the good news for you is, in this now 14 man league, where benches are awfully anemic, yours showed signs of life. True, one of your starters is clearly a Raider, I mean, a bench player, but besides that, your bench is deeper than most. I wouldn’t expect anything less from you. You must have thought you had a great chance going into Monday night. Kenny Walker’s projection was keeping him a couple points below your total with Butker’s projection. Hey man, one of them hit their projection exactly….. Yikes….

 

  1. The Visitors

Dude I’m barely at number 6? Not The Visitors but in my writings. I’m rusty, there are like 90 teams in our league now, it’s 12:25 in the morning. It’s already Wednesday so I missed my deadline that I don’t even really need to make my deadline. I like Wednesday better, especially with 14 teams. I’m going to finish this in the morning. I’ll do this one and finish the rest when I wake up. Visitors were the best of the losers with the 3rd highest score of the week. Would have been 2nd highest if Kenny Walker wasn’t on steroids. Unlike some owners, I don’t feel like the sky is falling. I’m not worried about this team. This is a good team, this team will be in the playoffs. This team would have beat 11 other teams this week. Most likely all the people who talk shit coincidentally. You hate me because you ain’t me. I’m wearing my championship ring as I type, probably why it’s taking so long. I look forward to beating you.

 

  1. Electric Boogaloo

Boogaloo survived negative double digits from his defense to skate his way past Team Spirit to a 1-0 record. It’s easy to survive negative chicken legs when 2 of your running backs put up nearly 80 points. There are holes in the ‘loo this year, more holes than we’re used to seeing but the base of a Montgomeryless Gibbs might just be more than enough to get you back into the show for another playoff appearance.

  1. Kekambas

Joe Burrow, Trey McBride, Bucky Irving someone is trying to relive his 2024 championship season and so far, it’s working. A early primetime down under zero bomb from the reigning Defensive MVP had you shaking until you remembered you were playing against Drake Maye. But, Joey B didn’t do any better, I know you’re hoping that’s a fluke. Remember, when I was shitting on Drake Maye I said Free Agent QB’s, to round it out, and to be fair 4 other starting QB’s matched or were lower than Fake’s, I mean Drake’s totals, I have excuses for all of them. Kyler Murray and Sam Darnold, obviously, I’ll be attending their joint funeral later today. Matthew Stafford, McVey and his terrible flight plan. And Joey B who matched him as well, but like the great Geno Smith, he also won his game. And so did the Kekambas, welcome to 1 and 0.

  1. Marian Cobra Cobretti

Cobra had a decent first game but is definitely looking at holes in his lineup as the waiver wire lights up. Running back is an issue until they figure out if Jacobs gets to come back but I still have faith in Lloyd. That defense was fired up after the Pack killed the actual G Baby and they took it out on MarShawn. I think that situation gets better. The Cooper Rush era is over in Atlanta, thank God. So Pitts should be back to a real player. Flowers bloomed but immediately was injured, I also own the man in my other league and am hoping they realized how far ahead they were and just decided to rest him for the remainder of the game. 150 yards in less than a full half, you’re going to need that production from him again to beat Kekambas this week. Oh wait, Herbert is playing the Raiders this week…. HA! You’re good!

  1. Dixon Yamada

DY did everything he could to change the narrative of my Visitors losing and being the number 2 scoring team of the week. It took the highest point total for all players this week in Kenny Walker in the very last game of the week to do it. And by only 1 lousy point. Only Hurts, Henry and Walker did more than a full point better than their projections for you this week but, God damn, did the latter’s boom for you or what? I’m moving on to your outlook on next week because that will say a lot. You have the Yahoo! Matchup of the week and will 100% already have the opportunity to control your own destiny in the power rankings as you take on…..

  1. Cuchillos Y Gallos

To be the best you have to beat the best and this week you did. You took out the Champs even though we would have defeated 85% of the league this week. Scheduling is a bitch. Not so much for the Steelers who pulled my boy Bijan and his Falcons on Cooper Rush day which got their defense 21 points for you. I think Bijan goes for 150/150 and 2 more scores if he had an actual QB playing for his team, Steelers lose, no defensive TD, probably put up a negative 10 and we’re looking all reading about The Defending Champs right now. But it didn’t happen and this week you get a chance to cement your spot as you take on the number 2 team. It’s week 2 and it’s already great. I love it fellas, it’s great to be back.