Week 3 is settled, and we have a clear cut #1 now that there is only one unblemished record out there. Week 3 also gave the boot to our second club in the survivor pool. Thank you for your donation DMO, it will be much appreciated by the winner of the pool. I’m not going to lie to you, I almost joined your misery by picking the Packers until I realized that my boy Quinshon Judkins is the GOAT, that’s when I remembered that Marcus Marriota was playing the Raiders and the Raiders suck dirty turd hole. Let’s rank these hoes!
Team EbarMedia
Speaking of hoes, last year EbarMedia made it clear they were only looking to beat 1 squad and when they did, they poured Gatorade on themselves like it was the God damned Super Bowl. Last year, that was The Visitors, this year it feels like it’s Cobra. You’ll get a second chance later in the season to spoil his year but this week you were our lowest scoring team and when you combine that with your week 1 contribution as the second lowest scoring team of that week and even your week 2 smashing of Cobra can’t get you out of the gutter. It didn’t help that you matched up against our highest scoring squad of the week and on top of that week 4 will not get much easier for you as you face off against Nakua Matata. Commissioner predicts a week for Power Ranking in the basement again for EbarMedia.
Dolphins Country
Dolphins Country had 2 of the weeks top scoring positions in their Minnesota Defense and Kicker Chase McLaughlin but it wasn’t enough to overcome the early injury to his top pick CeeDee Lamb. A zero burger from him on top of the lack of faith of the Great White Hope Cam Skattebo is what truly did you in. Sure, it didn’t help that you were playing the 2nd highest scoring team of the week. There were 6 clubs you would have picked up a W from this week and that is what brought you out of the bottom spot. Week 4 you face off against a Visitors squadron hellbent on redemption but I’m shaking. Each week I keep thinking about your season last year and the epic injuries you had that lead you to a 0-14 record. I think about that because I know you’re not going to go 0-14 again this season. Who’s going to inevitably break the streak because it’s going to happen soon. It’s my hope that you can wait a week before you breakout so I can rise to 3-1 and instead you can wipe yourself with League jizz stain EbarMedia in week 5.
Drake Me Off
Preppy finally got his first win in the RBFFL at the expense of Cuchillos. It wasn’t a blowout, but you would have beat 2 of the unbeaten teams coming into week 3. Like I said in the preamble, you were the 2nd owner to get the boot in the Survivor pool so it’s not all good news for you. But let’s start off with the good news. Good news is Drake Maye is just shitty enough to lead a fantasy team to victory. Bad news is your Patriots suck. The helpless Patriots playing from behind every week will keep the passing game going regardless of the shitbird under center. Let’s get serious here for a minute though. I saw what you did and sir, Maye (sic) I say, it was diabolical. You dropped the Ravens Defense after week one because they played one of the best offenses in football and hit you with a 13 point negative but you knew Cuchillos would grab them and get a false confidence when they grabbed a plus 17 against the Browns polar opposite offense leading him to start them against you this past week and be the reason you won when they put up another negative against you. Week 4 though, good luck on that, you’ll face the likes of undefeated Electric Boogaloo, remember earlier when I said your score would have beat 2 of the 3 unbeaten teams in our league? Guess which one it wouldn’t have!
(Tie) Laddy and the Tramps
You’re just too damn impulsive kid. STOP TRADING! You were 1-1 and you thought the sky was falling. You gave away your only chance of a win and part of your future! For what? Some dude who’s name sounds like a mustard on one of the shittiest teams in the NFL? On top of that you gave a win to a team and owner who was in total panic mode. You couldn’t wait 3 weeks for one of the top fantasy QB’s in the league to breakout? And it’s not like he hadn’t already overperformed his projection in week 1, it was just 1 bad week in week 2. Your team was not that bad but now it’s trash. I don’t expect you to stay this high in the rankings much longer. I hope you learn from this year and expect some voting on how we do trades in the off season. It’s insane that the only true faction of whining idiots’ rule what trades can be completed. I have ideas and they will come in our rules meetings. You may hold or gain from this spot since this week you face against….
(Tie) Kekambas
Kekambas got, well, Kekamba’d. You lost to the lowest scoring winning team of the week. Someone was taking notes. You both left good points on the bench but nothing spectacular. Honestly you probably only lost because James Conner basically died on the field. He probably would have found a way to edge out the victory for you. But he’s done for the season and it’s not looking good for you. You are this year’s IR team but with better luck. I don’t know if Aman-Ra will be enough to get you to the show and certainly not the ‘Ship
Cuchillos y Gallos
You’re a Steelers fan for Pete’s sake, why are you rolling with Baltimores D? Your team is Dependent on your stable of stud running backs, and you are in the works of trying to trade into a better receiver situation. A great example of the poison that is spewed from the fangs of the Cobra is his misinformation. You started Kupp in week 1 and this past week, 3. Travis Hunter started for your team in week 2 but Cobra is deciding that you’re trading “3 bench players for 2 starters” This is what he does and his faction of fajitas fawn for every word. Well, you’ll see one of those Fajita’s in week 4 as you take on Team TheMint1. I worry about that Bills game. How much effort and offense is it going to take to beat the EbarMedia of the NFL, New Orleans Saints? Hopefully just enough to keep you in the game.
(Tie) Marion Cobra Cobretti
(Tie) Team TheMint1
TTM1 was our top Bulldog of the week with a high score of 133.24. They could have sat their starters for the 2nd half and probably still beat EbarMedia. Mint has a Drake Me Off situation at QB in Geno Smith where they’re so bad that they’re good in a fantasy sense. The big trade that is bringing in Jared Goff is intriguing because Goff is obviously the better player who is obviously on the better team, but Goff has scored less than Geno twice this season and only reached/exceeded projections that one time as well. It will require great management to play them both right. For example, you play Cuchillo’s this week and a loss will certainly flip your spot with him in the rankings, and you already have Goff in as your starter… But Geno is playing the Bears, they suck as much ass as the Raiders and I expect this to be a mirror image of when the Cowboys played the Giants in that shitbowl week 2. Speaking of Cowboys, in order to get Goff you gave up Pickens which isn’t a big deal except Lamb just got hurt for probably multiple weeks and Pickens just became a WR1 because of it. I also heard you have a trade offer out there to obtain Saquon Barkley. The Mint has the potential to be the most intriguing team out there.
(Tie) Dixon Yamada
Like I mentioned earlier, you out Kekamba’d the Kekamba’s, no one has been able to do that for a while now. Don’t be afraid of your anorexic scoring this week. It was just a byproduct of playing The Kekambas and you got just enough to get the job done. Certainly, they are strong, Dixon Yamada, I know they were in my Mada her whole life as well but that’s a different story. Week 4 has you as an early favorite to beat the revamped Cobra. It is a shame that just as you were getting healthy and getting Xavier Worthy back, Mike Evans took a shit and will be missing 3 to 4 weeks himself. Can’t wait to see how this matchup turns out though as it will certainly break up the first 3-way tie in Commissioner’s Power Ranking history.
The Visitors
As can be verified in last year’s power rankings… Week 4 I believe… My greatest fault is loyalty. I do not start significant players who are playing my Chargers and just like week 4 last year, it cost me a game, in addition to my team practicing all week to play a Kyler Murray helmed team. The loyalty to my Powder Blue is undying and in no way regrettable. I proudly lose for my Chargers and don’t bitch about a loss like some people I know. Moving on, this is already more than I care to write about myself and my magnificent team.
Nakua Matata
Matata easily won the Disney moniker Bowl against Laddy and the Tramps and are heavy favorites week 4 against EbarMedia. Matata is an interesting group because there isn’t really a sexy name in the group, other than the namesake of course, that stands out at you. Instead of homerun hitters, they are just a bunch of dudes getting on base consistently. Whatever it is, it’s working. You are known for losing matchups that the other team has no business winning (i.e. 2024 Rams House v. Visitors) but let’s hope your boys come to play against EbarMedia.
Electric Boogaloo
You almost were the highest scoring team of the week, but The Mint edged you out by less than half a point. Probably closer in Yahoo! Which reminds me, I’m not updating and comparing scores in Yahoo! anymore. The close games we’ve had the first 3 weeks have all had the same outcome on Yahoo scoring and Sleeper. We’ll probably still go back to the Y! next year but that will come down to a vote. It’s just too time-consuming with all these trades. I do have a job. And so does Electric Boogaloo, and apparently that job is to hand us our asses every week. Your team/bench got stronger with the James Conner injury, and it’s shit like that that makes you wonder if anything can take you down. Week 4 matches you with a Drake Me Off team that thinks it’s finding it’s footing but let’s get serious, you’re going to smash those teen cheeks like no one’s business. But… week 5… that’s what I’m looking at, got it circled on my calendar, EB v. Kekambas… What voodoo magic will they use to make you score your lowest total of the year????
