Week 5

Sorry again boys. Like I said in the group chat, The Back to Back World Champion Dodgers had me in no mood to write all week. I finally know what it’s like to be an Angels fan. Imagine not winning a World Series with Shohei on your roster! Anyway, to the rankings!

  1. Monstars

The disrespect this league shows for its active servicemen is insane. By all accounts you had an actual chance this week against Kekambas but then it started with a Thursday Night 41 spot from Bucky Irving over an inept Cowboys team. I talked to my boy from thousands of miles away and said, it’s going to be hard to come back from that…. You lost by 40. I swear these things write themselves sometimes. Week 6 you have Rams House….. you’re projected to lose…. But you will find a W this season. Everything will align for a game and it could happen for the rest of the fuckin’ season, who knows? If it does you will still make the playoffs but in the more likely event that it doesn’t, I’ll be bringing the league shinebox with me to Korea. Get your head out of your ass!

  1. EbarMedia

Man you just lost to the 13th ranked team and stole his spot. You’ve given life to the lifeless, got him changing his team name and shit. Live and die by the ‘boys but I love the dedication. Week 6 is what used to be Steve Bowl but we added another Steve so it’s just not the same. He is one of your favorite people to talk shit to, even though we all know we’re not allowed to. All I can say about this comically bye week riddled matchup is I think it all comes down to your beloved Cowboys. let’s see how this plays out. And let’s see if you fill in your bye week gaps.  

  1. Tune Squad/I Didn’t Hear No Bell

Two in a row? Check your panties I think I see a streak in there young man! Sure you were our lowest scoring winner of the week, but you did what I couldn’t and that was come out of Week 5 with a W. The low score makes for a less tremendous shift in the rankings, even leaving a 1 win team above you and your 2 wins. But you’re closer to a playoff spot as we speak and that’s all that matters. And don’t look now but is that an early week 6 win projection…?

  1. Kekambas

In a total sign of disrespect to America’s Service men and women, Kekambas decided to lay down his highest point total of the year against our brave airman. That’s over with. It’s week 6 now and his Daddy is coming back for vengeance. Were both crippled by bye weeks but The Visitors should be strong enough to withstand the Thursday Night Darnold stinker in his one start of the season for my extraterrestrial squad. I’ll get him back for you boy, I promise!

  1. The Mint

The Mint also put up his best score of the year…. Against a retired Navy man. The disrespect continues. You set the best roster you could this past week leaving no points on your bench. It’s my dream to add a category to my power rankings of points left on bench but I don’t even know how long that would take me to calculate, I don’t ever see that dream becoming reality. If it ever happened you’d have a perfect 0 this week, this would be more like a gold score the lower the better. I talked about it earlier, week 6 is your job to bring the former Tune Squad, now I didn’t hear no bell, back to reality. But with your Top draft pick on bye week, it might be a tall order. He has a chance of jumping another rank like he did to EbarMedia if you don’t put a stop to this madness!

  1. (TIE) Smells Like Team Spirit

Brutal loss to the above mentioned Mint but you’re finding your stride and you continue to score meaningful points and that consistency will keep you in the heat of the power rankings. You have a great start from Thursday Night and a chance to really shake things up in week 6 as you face the 4-1 2nd Bower. It’s still an uphill climb but it’s possible. Maybe Tampa Bay showed Green Bay how to shutdown Cee Dee Lamb and it continues for you this week. Maybe Lamb just can’t play against a Bay?

  1. (TIE) Dolphin’s make me cry

Remember that points left on bench category I dream of adding that I was talking about in The Mint’s  ranking? You’ve got a win left on your bench this week. I get it, Jayden Daniels is basically playing with a robot arm, but it’s not his throwing arm… Bo Nix is…. Well Bo Nix. You want a glimpse into my psyche, sometimes I just lay awake at night wondering how the absolute fuck Bo Nix is an NFL Quarterback. He’s not short I guess but he’s not tall either, he can’t throw, he can’t run, he looks like a ferret… At least Tim Tebow was bangable you know? He wears his jersey like an idiot, who tucks in under their pads? I don’t know, if Daniels had actually died I would have started his ghost over Nix hopped up on the blue shit from Breaking Bad. At least you didn’t start him in that Thursday night 100 yard stinkfest… Oh shit…. There’s always week 7  

  1. Dixon Yamada

The fantasy Gods said the bye week wasn’t enough to handicap your running back position so they decided to throw in a early IR worthy injury to your spot replacement to add insult to inj- hmmm to add injury to insult I guess in this case. Your boys are much better than your record. Nobody really wants to face you when both your workhorses are in the lineup, especially if they are in bye week hell, especially if their the only undefeated team in the league. Who do you play Week 6? Oh Shit….

  1. The Triumphs

Your punishment is over. I’ll write about you again. You’re a good team…. For me to poop on! If there’s ever a good time to find Dixon Yamada, you found it, hee hee. These last 2 rankings could be easily flipped if Shipley plays a whole game in England and definitely if Kenny Walker played at all. Unfortunately you’re in the Dixon Yamada shoes Week 6, Bye weeks have your best player benched…. Vikings D, yeah you thought I was going to say Amon Ra. Vikings D is 24 points ahead of the next best defense, Cincinnati (you can’t count Denver or Seattle because they’ve already played an extra game on them) that’s almost a 50% difference from THE NEXT BEST OPTION. Not sure how they calculate WAR in baseball but Vikings D Wins above replacement would be higher than any player. Example being Amon Ra number 4 receiver in the league, your previous opponent had Parker Washington, the number 7 receiver in the league an 11.5 point difference between them is only 15% better. You might lose this one with your 2 studs out on bye, but look for that insult comic dog to bounce back week 7 against …. Former nemesis…. The Mint

  1. Rams House

Never bet against the house yeah yeah yeah. How was I supposed to know he would start Bo Nix over Daniels? JSN is a beast and so is the rest of your receiving core. The only thing that’s going to hurt you is those running backs. Chuba is fine but Jones? When Mason comes back, any day now, will we see days like this again? What am I talking about, never bet against the house. Who do you have week 6? Oh God, my baby boy. American Hero, take it easy man!

  1. Cuchillos Y Gallos

Cuchillos tied for the 3rd best score this week…. And Lost! How does it feel? Same thing you did to me week 1 and took away my perfect record too! That was an epic match 309 total points between the 2 of you but in the end only one of you could come away with the win. But this ranking story is going to be a quick one because Thursday already happened and the ferret has already played against you. It would take an Epic meltdown of your squad as well as a boom from DMMC to make this a close game at this point. You’re currently a 22 point favorite with a deceased Jerry Love in a starting spot. When they’re in the ocean can you even see a Dolphin crying?

  1. Brock hit the 2nd Bower

I just said it epic match young man. Brought you all the way up to third. Your highest ranking ever in the RBFFL. Since we already talked about let’s just move on to week 6. Your opponents favorable Thursday start has this very interesting. Yes you are still the heavy favorite but more yes, you have Drake Maye currently starting. I don’t trust anyone who’s name ends in a vowel and this fucker has the audacity to do it with his first and last? I thought you learned your lesson, especially when you traded for Tyler “Double Consonant” Shough

  1. The Visitors

 You out danced me Boogaloo, it only took the highest score of the week to do it. What makes this 2 loss team a number 2 rank? Most points scored to date. Best breakdown record. Actual record is the only blemish on The Visitors resume’ for greatness. Bye week is not kind but if the rank holds true this team should get past Kekambas to improve to 4-2. I’ve said enough, let’s praise the top bulldog

  1. Electric Boogaloo

In last weeks story I had to mention that you had yet to score the most points in a week and that was pretty much the only reason you weren’t sitting up here alone. Well good for you. Your Lions out Lion’d my Lion. My former Lion was immediately injured and with that went my chances of beating you. But! A very big But! And I like big Buts, I can not lie. Those same Lions that carried you to the thrill of victory are all sitting at home this weekend, probably golfing, enjoying some family time. And though it will still be close, it’s going to take some booms from the rest of the ‘Loo to get past the Dixon Yamada you’re up against week 6. Will a loss be enough to knock you out of the top Bulldog spot? We have to wait and see.