You asked for ‘um you got ‘um, the win loss rankings are here. Let it begin. Feels like Easter to me. I know we’ve had our differences but in the end we are all Bulldogs and we are all Red.
12. Charles’s IR Team
0-6 lost to The Mint 150.5 – 103.5
Now if you can figure out how to read this you will know that CIRT is also 12 in the Power Rankings. Your boys put together a respectable score considering the injuries and byes you were dealing with. The Mint lucked out with his boom or bust squad and you were another casualty of the scheduling gods, as you would have had the nuts to take out half the league this week including the top Bulldog, just not the guy you were matched up against. Believe me, I feel your pain.
11. The Visitors
0-6 lost to Kekambas 114 – 115
Actually 11 in CPR. The Visitors were in need of 1 last point from star wideout to take the win over Kocky Kekambas and it looked as though it was in the bag. With an entire quarter to play that point was only 3 yards away and would have to come from a reception, another half point which would be the half point to put us over the top of an inflated paper champ. But after 15 minutes of pass heavy football, none of them found their way into the hands of number 5 and yet another L goes to the Commish. But you know what I doubt you’ll ever be able to figure out how to read this so I’ll be blunt as fuck, y’all can go fuck yourselves! Cash me outside how ‘bout dat!
10. EbarMedia
1-5 lost to An American Tailback 94.5 – 99
From Rainman to Simple Jack in a matter of a week. You are not the number 10 team you are actually 9 and probably would have been 7th if you weren’t a complete idiot. You started the 3rd string running back for the WORST RUSHING TEAM IN THE NFL. 463 yards as a team through 6 games, I get that on my smartwatch in a day. You had a RB in your Flex so that means, anybody else you could, nay, should have put in would have given you the win over our last undefeated Bulldog. Even with that magnificent show of ineptitude, you had a chance. But the fantasy football gods said Hell no should this actual imbecile be allowed to win and the 2 field goals that would have sealed both the Jets and Ebars W, laughingly CLANKED of the post echoing throughout the stadium and the world. I can still hear it now. “CLoserAAAAAANK”
9. Joe’s Victorious Team
2-4 lost to Marion Cobra Cobretti 70 – 143
You’re the real 10 in the CPR. This is more like it, you almost exactly hit your projection. But god damn it Derrick Henry is still trying to get you W’s. He doesn’t give up even if you have. You only left about 16 point on your bench so it didn’t really matter but still, it would be interesting to see what this league would look like with a 12th man making claims and pick ups.
8. Ka’imi’s Kupp Runneth Over
2-4 lost to Cuchillos y Gallos 96 – 146
This is your natural spot in the power rankings as well. You suffer from owning Cowboy’s for sure and Cuchillos reaped all the benefits this week. I tell you what though, you have the 2 Cowboys that Ebar would pretty much trade his entire team for and after what he did this week, you won’t get a veto from me. You are a Lions fan and Gibbs is waiting to be yours. Free him from EbarMedia, you still have a chance. Take your pick he’ll do it. Save your season seems to be the popular mantra, Dak and Lamb for Gibbs, AJ and London.
7. Cuchillos y Gallos
3-3 Beat Ka’imi’s Kupp Runneth Over 146 – 96
Also your natural spot in the rankings. You had a strong win this week. I was watching the Ravens game and I said holy crap they are only throwing to Flowers, I wonder who has him. I guess we found out who that was. You know I wanted to take Josh Allen in the 3rd round, it was going to be the first time I ever took a QB in single digit rounds but you sniped me, shrude move, looks like it’s working out for you. As of now you’re on the outside looking in for a playoff spot but that can change with more showings like this. Good week C y G.
6. Rams House
4-2 Lost to Njigbas In Paris 85.5 – 96.5
You are actually 4 in the true Power Rankings but whiney ass babies don’t believe in math even though I still haven’t got to them yet. Speaking of babies, you lost The Battle of the Babies against your cousin this week in the Huggies Diaper Bowl but it was close and you just don’t trust the Chargers apparently. I tried to warn you about Mason but you won’t listen to this old man. Why should you I’m 0-6 (5-1 in my other league and 4-1-1 in another) Frisco like Kekambas are Paper Champs and their real dominance is only with Run CMC. We face off against each other this week and your studs are obviously early favorites but don’t count me out yet. Amari Cooper just got traded to a real team, anything can happen now.
5. Njigbas In Paris
4-2 Beat Rams House 96.5 – 85.5
You’re actually 6 my boy in the real rankings, but remember the crybaby thing. You expected a big jump for who you beat but you need to remember how you beat them and it wasn’t impressively. As a matter of fact 7 teams would have beat you this week including The Visitors and Charles’s IR Team so let’s get real here, luck ain’t power. But a win is a win and next week you faceoff against your struggling uncle KKRO who just got some good advice from the Commish if A. he even reads the power rankings B. can figure out how to read these particular Easter Egg power rankings. If not, you should cruise to 5-2 but do it with power if you want to rise in rank.
4. The Mint
4-2 Beat Charles’s IR Team 150.5 – 103.5
Guess what you’re really 5 BY THE MATH. Yes it took the highest score of the week for The Mint to rise in the REAL Rankings that’s how you show power. You may have wasted it on league tomato can CIRT when you really need it this week against Cobra. As of now he is a heavy favorite. If you really want to make your mark on this league and these ranking that will return to normal next week, do something about it against Cobra!
3. Kekambas
5-1 Beat The Visitors 115 – 114
Hear it now for below, the math has Kekambas and Cobra at a dead tie for #2. You squeaked by my Visitors as you can read about above, if you can figure out how to read about it above. If you have figured it out and have gotten this far, good on all of you. I hope you’ve all (MINT) learned your lesson and will never doubt the math again. Let’s talk about next week already, this is one we’ve all been waiting for. If not for my boy and 1 point, we would be watching 2 undefeated teams matchup here in week 7 but this is still something to see. Tailback is an early favorite but not by much. Nabors should be back and Tyreek will either hero or herring for Tailback. The world will be watching this one, can’t wait!
2. Marion Cobra Cobretti
5-1 Beat Joe’s Victorious Team 143 – 70
Like I said, straight up tie in the power rankings. You didn’t have a real opponent in week 6 but The Mint has something to prove in week 7. Honestly I’ve never known a more successful team that is distained by it’s owner more than Cobra. You’d think he’s -4 and 20 the way he’s shopping around his consistently high ranked squad. But some people are never happy I guess. That’s my wish for you this season, happiness. I hope you find it.
1. An American Tailback
6-0 Beat EbarMedia 99 – 94.5
Squeaked by is more like it, yes you are number one in the real rankings but things can change next week after your matchup with Kekambas. You have the luxury of knowing exactly who you need to play this week, Kekambas can definitely choose the wrong squad and blow it on the bench. Imagine that, if you walk around a bench victory for a second time in a row I’m switching religions. I really can’t wait for this match up. Hope those who wanted to read this figured out how. I did leave a hint in the preamble, after all.